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It’s important to me that you all understand how heavy on my soul this experience has been. It’s been a dark several days for me in light of the tragic Otto Warmbier news and I’d appreciate it if you received this announcement with a sense of sincerity, as it’s intended. Anyone who knows me well and is asked to list three things that describe me will probably come with something like: loyal friend and companion, looks like a cigar store Indian, big Kim Jong-un guy.
I have a very long, well documented history as a KJU stan. I’ve long been a big fan of his work as an iron fist-wielding dictator of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Read some of my glowing coverage of the Supreme Leader here, here, here, and here.
There are so many things to admire about the man — his trailblazing hairstyle, his jovial demeanor, and how the people of North Korea are always outwardly expressing their admiration of him all come to mind. Alas, I must announce that my opinion of the Supreme Leader has flipped.
I am officially OUT on Kim Jong-un.
1. He’s kind of a dick
I get that he has a country to run (and he runs it like a well-oiled machine), but why does he have to be such a little asshole while he does it? There are only so many military officials you can slaughter for looking at you the wrong way or family members you make disappear for disagreeing with you at the dinner table or citizens you can starve to death before it’s time to call a spade a spade. Or in this case, a dick a dick.
2. He wants to bomb us and shit
I just feel like, as a whole, we’re a pretty chill country. We don’t seem very bombable, right? Like yeah most of us are fat and we value material things and our music is tight as hell and we’re good at sports and have a bomb ass flag and we eat ass and all that, but the last few generations of Americans have shown to be generally accepting of differing cultures and whatnot. No genocidal tendencies or anything, either. Something to think about.
3. Mad shit talker
I swear this dude always has something to say about the U.S. Like yo, Kim, maybe focus your energy on the literal vacant cities in your country or providing food for your hungry citizens or making a missile that can make it to the next county without exploding first before you start coming at us. Keep our name out your mouth, dawg. With your chirpin’ ass. You fat face fuck.
4. Internet hog
Y’all know he’s the only motherfucker in North Korea who has internet access? The ONLY person. There are 25 million fucking people in that country and Kim Jong-un is the only one who can hop on PornHub. These people don’t know about fantasy football or crazy relatives posting political shit on Facebook or Netflix or celebs claiming they were hacked after posting dumb shit on Twitter or tHaT SpOnGeBoB mEmE I can’t get enough of. The horror!
We all deserve at least a dial-up connection. There have to be some unused America Online CDs laying around we can ship over there or something. All those free internet hours.
5. RIP Otto Warmbier
What happened to UVA student Otto Warmbier after simply taking a propaganda poster down from inside a Pyongyang hotel is so beyond fucked up. Such a tragic end to a really awful situation. RIP Otto..