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Ask Intern Sydney

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1. Sydney,

What does a girl find most attractive? On an unrelated note, are girls into dick pics? If so, what’s the best way to go about sending them?

A good sense of humor is the most important quality for me, and obviously being somewhat pleasing on the eyes. And please do not send dick pics unless you’re specifically asked to, dicks are not exactly pleasing on the eyes.

2. Dear, Sydney

I come to you a man with a burning question. I can get the eights and nines, but I just can’t get the hard ten like yourself. I don’t want to talk myself up but I am a catch, I am smart, driven, and am going to be something when I am older. I have had a few swings at hard tens like absolute marriage material, made significant progress on each of them in their time, but just have not been able to close and I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I don’t really care about you posting this I am just more interested in trying to figure out my problem and who better to ask then a hard ten.

I hope to hear back from you.

Well, it’s pretty difficult to find someone with the complete package. Hard tens may lack some qualities a soft seven might have. So that’s why I think you shouldn’t base it solely on looks. I dated a soft seven for over a year who wasn’t exactly “marriage material” but he was funny as hell so that made up for the other subpar characteristics. You gotta figure out what’s most important to you, and if that’s pulling a ten you might realize she kinda sucks later on (not saying all tens suck, but a lot of them do because they know they’re tens). If you find this “complete package,” you can’t come off too strong or you might freak her out. Too nice is boring and too much of an a-hole is off-putting, so you have to find the right balance. Good luck!!

3. What’s the weirdest way you’ve been hit on? (Creepy tinder lines don’t count, has to be in person.)

First, offended you assume I’m desperate enough to use Tinder. Second, guys are typically much creepier online than in person, but I do recall a time where a guy wouldn’t stop saying how much I reminded him of his sister then tried (and failed) to take me home.

4. Why are you such a stuck up bitch like half of the sorority girls who think they are too good for any guy?

Sounds like someone hasn’t been laid in a while.

5. What are your spring break plans? Can I come?

Like every other Greek student in the south, I went to Gulf Shores, AL, for spring break last week. Alcohol was literally banned on the beach the day after we were evicted so that worked out in our advantage. Sorry we ruined it for the rest of you. And no.

6. Who annoys you the most in the TFM office?

This shouldn’t even need to be asked. Dorn.

7. Walk us through your day as an intern. Do you just get coffee for Dorn all day or what?

My tasks for today include answering these questions and being Dorn’s chauffeur to a golf tournament (probably because he’s pounding brewskis in his office).

8. Will you marry me?

What’s your 401k look like? Let’s discuss.

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Mac and cheese enthusiast. First runner-up for most humorous in high school. D-list celebrity. Professional social media stalker.

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