Ask Intern Sydney

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1. Has it dawned on you that despite your writing aptitude being somewhere slightly above the minimum to receive a ged you remain the poster-intern solely because of your uncomfortable raging office boner inducing looks? And if it has, what are your thoughts? Do you take it in stride letting your lack of eloquence ride on the coattails of your beauty? Or are you making an effort to have the amount of attention your writing brings to TFM match what your bodacious body does?

Also, separate yet equal question, can I fly you out to Tahoe for PD so I can assert my then-irrevocably-confirmed dominance on the rest of my chapter.

Has it dawned on you that pulling words from the thesaurus that are far above your comprehension level still doesn’t make you sound smart? You forget I’m writing for a college humor website and there are some things I just have to dumb down. Also, I’m not sure if I should be offended or flattered by this “question” so I’ll get back to you on that.

2. Me and my boys have been in a constant debate and we need to know just what exactly is this “happy medium” you like to talk about is?

You a fan of the comb over or the buzz cut?
Fuck Dorn!

Ah, the happy medium. It’s the sweet spot between too polite and too arrogant. Like I mentioned in last week’s Ask Intern Sydney, girls (as well as guys) want a chase. It’s boring if someone is too available. On the opposite side of the spectrum, a guy that’s too full of himself is totally useless. However, the “too nice” rule really only applies to the beginning stages of a relationship. You can’t play hard to get forever. And are we talking Donald Trump-esque comb over, or full head of hair comb over? Buzz cut is a 6th grade move, unless you’re balding.

3. Marry, Fuck, Kill: Dorn, Bacon, Ross.

I’m going to get in trouble with HR if I answer this.

4. I have a formal next fall and you’re the first woman I’m asking. You in?

My formal fee begins at $300. $350 if you want a photo. $400 if you want a post on my instagram. $500 and I’ll tell everyone I’m your girlfriend.

5. I have two questions: does TFM pay well and what do you plan on doing later on in life career wise?

They pay me generously for the amount of work I do (or lack thereof). I’m interested in medical device sales, or continuing to work in the communications field. Unless, of course, I meet my multimillionaire husband before that happens.

6. How many jumping jacks can you do in one minute?

I’m too lazy to actually test this out, so I looked up the average number and it’s around 80. Since I’m slightly above-average fitness-wise I’m going go with 100.

7. How do I get my gf to stop expecting me to get her whatever she wants, whenever she wants (within reason obviously)?

Simple. Give her whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Problem solved.

8. What was the process of becoming a TFM intern like? I have more creative talent than all of Grandex combined and, I was thinking of coming in and saving the company.

Your incorrect placement of that comma tells me otherwise. As for the process, I had met Dorn and Dave at a Texas State tailgate and kept up with a few others through social media. A few months ago Dorn and I talked about me coming in for an interview, and here I am now.

9. How do you put up with the guys that send you mean things?

Remind myself they’re probably any overweight 3 that jerks it six times a day in their mom’s basement.

10. How do I let a girl know that I’m not interested in an exclusive relationship without sounding like a dick?

“I’m not interested in an exclusive relationship.” Not sure when the notion of leading a girl on for the sake of being nice became a thing, but it should end.

11. I DM’d you on intagram and you didn’t reply. Fucking Bitch.

Not a question, but I had to include it because I find this concept hilarious. I get multiple slides in the DMs a day. Some of which are creepy, some of which are genuinely nice, some of which are complete assholes.

What I’ve come to notice about all the above is a similarity. These men are quick to call me a bitch when they see I’ve read their message but never replied. That’s because I’ve realized if I respond to a compliment with a simple “thank you!” 9/10 times a guy thinks that means I want to jump in bed with them and they don’t stop messaging me.

AKA my choices are: getting called a bitch because I hurt some guy’s ego that probably needed to be knocked down a peg or two anyway, OR get harassed by a guy who thinks I want to carry his seed because I replied “thank you.” As if I’m actually offended by being called a bitch, my choice here is obvious. Rant over.

12. Would you rather Donald Trump perform your brain surgery or Ben Carson run your country?

A botched lobotomy seems a lot harder to fix.

13. What’s a current trend you won’t ever understand or like?

Beyoncé. And hoverboards.

14. Here’s a text I received from a nice young lady recently “Hey I just went to pee and blood came out and I’m not on my period if I got any on your bed sorry. lol”. My question for you, intern Sydney, is what is your typical Jimmy Johns order?

First, I suggest you get tested. Then, you can buy me a slim 4 turkey with provolone, and don’t forget the BBQ Jimmy chips.

15. Intern Sydney, can you tell us why Fail Friday has not been posted yet?

Just going to include this question in every article so you idiots stop asking me. I’m not in charge of Fail Friday.

Send your questions to or tweet me at @woysydney.

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Mac and cheese enthusiast. First runner-up for most humorous in high school. D-list celebrity. Professional social media stalker.

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