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Ask The Intern

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Over the last couple days I prompted the followers of @TFMintern on twitter to participate in an activity called “Ask The Intern.” These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response:

“Are you a GDI?”

Very funny. No. For obvious reasons concerning nationals and the security of my family I cannot expand upon this answer. I don’t want angry Fail Friday legends like Thumb Man tracking me down.

“How did you get your internship?”

I shook the right hands, and did blow with the right people.

“Do you get paid?”

As Randy Moss once said, Straight cash homey.” But when an NF post appears on the TFM wall I’m forced to spend 6 hours moderating TSM submissions.

To answer your question seriously, yes.

“What is the screening process for TFMs?”

TFM submissions are compiled in a database. A team of interns (all comedic geniuses), including myself, sifts through the madness and posts TFMs, hoping that even the most hate-filled troll feels compelled to press “Nice Move.” I wish the screening process involved a complex formula with multiple variables that determined whether or not a post is F or NF. Maybe then I could sleep at night.

“Are you a dude? How do you decide which pictures to disable comments on?”

No self-respecting female could read through the horrific drunken gibberish that is submitted in the form of TFMs. As far as pictures go, if the submitter requests we disable comments, we disable comments. Additionally, if we feel that too many trolls might want to “pee in her butt” we disable comments. So, ladies, submit more pictures of your beautiful selves engaging in TFM-worthy activities and simply note “disable comments” if you’d prefer it.

“Which sorority do you personally like best?”

Just like with fraternities, the quality of a sorority tends to vary from school to school. (Translation: I’m not going to play favorites and answer a question that’s going to negatively affect my sandwich consumption)

“Down to shack? :)”

No, because of that smiley face.

I have one question I want to ask the intern…can I shack?”

Sure you can, sweetheart. This goes for every girl that asked, except smiley. If I ever hit a dry spell I’m riding the twitter-shacker wave to glory.

“What’s the best and worst idea you’ve heard in a Greek house? If they were one in the same I wouldn’t be surprised.”

This is simply impossible to answer. Who hasn’t heard arson, embezzlement, murder, armed-robbery, erotic asphyxiation, etc. suggested in their house?

“Is it better to land 2 sixes or 1 nine?”

Right now I’m relatively sober so I’d go with the 1 nine. In a few hours I might take the 2 sixes. You meant at the same time, right?

Why does TFM promote our poor stereotypes within the Greek community?

Obviously there are people who can’t distinguish between the extremely sarcastic and exaggerated jokes on this site and the serious material. These people have far bigger issues than worrying about the “poor stereotypes” perpetuated by an entertainment website.

Every member of each fraternity/sorority is responsible for upholding his or her values on a personal level.

“What are your next steps after the internship?”

Law school, so I can sue myself for writing this column.

*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.

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TFM Intern

Never getting promoted.

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