Welcome to the second edition of “Ask the Intern.” At the beginning of each week I prompt the followers of @TFMintern on twitter to participate in asking me questions of an unrestricted nature. Inquiries can also be emailed to TFMintern@gmail.com. These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response:
“What do you think about visiting other chapters of your fraternity and staying in their house for the weekend? Is it acceptable?”
In a perfect world, brothers would offer hospitality to other brothers without question, regardless of circumstance. We do not live in a perfect world. Every fraternity has random chapters of a questionable nature, and anyone who argues otherwise is probably in one of those chapters. As a result, even if you’ve earned the right to call yourself my brother, you haven’t earned the right to encroach on my territory, drink my booze, and hunt my women without me having proof you aren’t an embarrassment to my letters. How can I be sure you’re not an ass-pirating pog collector?
If you really have to ask, you’re probably not cool enough to pull it off. Either know someone in the house that can vouch for you, or find a dorm rat to shack with.
“How many interns are there? Where can I apply? Average BAC of site admins during business hours?”
Undisclosed. You can’t. We don’t breathalyze each other.
“The world is ending tomorrow and you could shack with one woman. Who would it be?”
“College football national title winner?”
I only trust one man to answer that question, and that man is Dick Perry.
“What’s your opinion on dry rush?”
You can call it “dry” all you want, but that’s like calling Michael Vick “reformed.” It’s just a label to help people sleep at night. We still get shitfaced and he still gets his $100 million contract. Everybody wins.
“Kill, Marry, Fuck: Betty White, Diane Sawyer, Barbara Bush?”
I’d kill Betty White because she’s already dead inside, fuck Diane Sawyer because she looks like she’d be into it, and marry Barbara Bush for the connections.
“Why don’t you erase posts that involve exposing fraternity rituals?”
If you have concerns about content potentially exposing fraternity ritual, email email@example.com. We do our best to keep secrets and other revered information off the site.
“At what level of drunkenness is it acceptable to go below a 6? If you slay a 10 and you were blacked out, does it still count?”
This depends completely on circumstance. Obviously a very low level of drunkenness is acceptable for a gameless ogre in a 6-month dry spell. If you’re not pathetic, you should probably be blackout before stooping to hammer a hog.
And of course it still fucking counts.
“Where do babies come from?”
“Many people say that even fat girls need love. What are your thoughts?”
It’s becoming painfully obvious that some of you are using this column to validate poor pussy decisions. It’s true, fat girls need love too, and I’m glad you’re there to give it to them.
“How big do you see TFM getting within the next year?”
The next year is going to be huge for TFM. There will be a lot of surprises for the fans along the way; I can promise you that. We’ve been approached with an unbelievable amount of opportunities and there are already deals in the works to bring some different forms of entertainment to the people.
“Who’d you rather: hot girl with the flu (sexy runny nose and all) or the gross nerdy girl sitting front row center of the chem lab?”
If I let some bullshit like the flu stop me from nailing the hot girl then I’d be no better than the retard who has to ask me if he’s drunk enough to nail a 4.
“If there is grass on the field do you still play?”
If the grass is well trimmed in the form of a landing strip, yes.
“You’re in a ditch with a lawyer, rapist, and murderer. You have a gun with 2 bullets. Who do you shoot?”
Why are we in a ditch? I’d shoot the rapist and murderer then hire the lawyer to beat the case.
“Kill, marry, fuck: Buddha, your mother, the Hutu Tribe of Africa?”
This is too much. But seriously, Kate Upton.
*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.