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Welcome to “Ask The Intern.” I have pooled questions of an unrestricted nature from people who follow me (@TFMintern) on twitter. Inquiries can also be emailed to TFMintern@Grandex.co. These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response.
“Run backwards through a field of cacti or get a real job?”
I’d rather run backwards through a field of cacti. I’ve been working at TFM for too long, and don’t think I could function in a normal office environment. I’d get fired on my first day for making a butt pee joke to my boss.
“Where’s the best place to host a frat brawl?”
Whether you’re engaging in community education (GDI ass whooping) or frat-on-frat violence with a rival fraternity, obviously you want home-field advantage so that what we call a “frat stomp” can take place. A frat stomp occurs when a fight breaks out in a fraternity house and multiple members of that house jump in, contributing wild kicks and drunken, inaccurate punches. At least one participant should shout “FRAT STOMP!” so that the rest of the house has a chance to join.
“Would you rather be able to golf everyday for the rest of your life, or last longer in the bedroom?”
This is one of the stupidest questions I’ve ever been asked. Obviously I’d play golf every day for the rest of my life, and anyone who answers otherwise is an impotent man-boy.
“Marry, fuck, kill: Upton, Aniston, Johansson?”
“Why do pledges suck at pulling?”
Why do you care? Are you secretly rooting for the pledges to pull ass? That’s your ass to pull. Pull it.
“Hypothetically speaking…if you send a girl a bunch of dick pics, does YOLO still apply?”
I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.
“Why do you enjoy gargling the semen of older men?”
That’s nice. Thanks for participating.
“If you had to be entered into a drinking contest against any historical figure, who and why?”
Marilyn Monroe. I’d drink her under the table and then have her hum “Happy Birthday Mr. President” into my man mic.
“Chacos. Frat or NF?”
Personally, I’m not a Chacos guy. Why anyone would want to look like a new age hippie with rubber Jesus sandals is beyond me. That being said, a lot of my pledge brothers can’t get enough of them, so I’m going to make a fucking ruling on this right now. They’re frat.
“Fuck one, marry one, kill one: Hope Solo, Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara. Go.”
“Would you rather eat a dick, or be tied to a pole in a New York City alley for two days fully knowing you would be raped at least once?”
I’d eat a dick. You didn’t specify what kind of dick, and I’d inhale some elk penis like Tyrone Biggums way before I’d get raped in an NYC alley.
“Would you rather have sex with Meryl Streep after she got a train run on her by Sig Eps or start a small business with Obama in Georgia?”
That’s the same as asking if I’d rather bang out a gaping Meryl Streep or get rich. I’d start a small business with Obama in Georgia, obviously. Have you noticed any recent Presidents of our fine country going broke? No. That’s because life after the White House is a cakewalk, and I’d be right there with Obama to milk that shit for all it’s worth.
“Do geeds think cargo shorts are actually cool?”
Listen, geeds think a lot of uncool things are cool. I don’t know who the fuck told people sticking gauges in their ears was acceptable, or that you need enough large pockets on your shorts to carry 6 original Game Boys, but somehow geeds believe these things. Don’t waste your time contemplating why or how.
“I got me a handle of firefly and I’m not looking to smash it all in one night. Got any drinks to make with it?”
Isn’t it sweet tea flavored? You fucking pussy. If you’re not carrying it around and drinking straight from the bottle then you might as well be drinking cranberry juice.
“How did it feel that one time when you posted Fail Friday at 3AM and I still got FIRST? Did you feel like a complete failure?”
Go to hell FIRSTpostOX. I know how Asian you are.
“When are shorts too short?”
When it comes to shorts, the rule of Chevy Chase always applies. If Chevy wouldn’t wear them, neither should you.
“Would you rather shit a softball or piss out a walnut, and why?”
Fucking hell. What kind of future serial killer freak asks a question like this? Now my dick and asshole hurt. I’d rather shit a softball. No solids coming out of this wiener.
“If you could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, who would it be?”
John Wayne. We’d fight the entire restaurant afterwards.
Why? Because you touch yourself at night.
*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.