Welcome to “Ask The Intern.” I have pooled questions of an unrestricted nature from people who follow me (@TFMintern) on twitter. Inquiries can also be emailed to TFMintern@Grandex.co. These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response.
“What’s the most frat way to help the poor?”
Telling them to get a goddamn job. HIGH FIVE! I’m kidding. Don’t hurt homeless people or their pets.
“What’s the most inappropriate submission you’ve gotten?”
The most inappropriate submissions we receive are pictures that I can’t post because of their life-ruining potential, so I’ll just describe one of my personal favorites for you. It was submitted with the caption “Balls deep during fraternity recruitment. TFM.”
Some dude is lying on his back fully clothed, wearing a t-shirt, khaki shorts and sandals. It is nighttime. He is outdoors next to a bush, and there is an unlit tiki torch under him with several others scattered around him (seemingly in the lawn of a fraternity house). There is a young lady straddling him with her dress pulled down from the top and up from the bottom, bunched above her waist. She is wearing a white G-string, and has horrifically awesome bathing suit tan lines on her ass. The gentleman has clearly pulled his junk out through his zipper, and appears to be inside of the young lady in the midst of an upward-thrust. She looks like she might be hot.
“Will you spot me on the cable bill?”
“If she’s not an attractive hooker does it still make it morally wrong to cut her up and sink her in a lake?”
Yes. In fact, I’d say it’s morally worse to murder a hooker based on the fact that she’s unattractive than it is to just murder a hooker for no reason at all, but it’s all the same amount of illegal.
“Do you look at the toilet paper after you wipe your ass?”
Once out of every three wipes. You’ve got to keep an eye on that shit.
“Will there ever be a TFM Droid app, or should I drive to Austin and set the office on fire?”
There’s a pediatrician in our building. You think making jokes about setting sick little kids on fire is funny? You disgust me.
“How do you confront a friend that is a try-hard tool?”
You confront him by not hanging out with him anymore.
“Are my masturbation habits bad? I have 15-20 orgasms a day, but I don’t know how to stop.”
Learn how to play a fucking sport or something. Buy a video game if you have to, but for the love of God find a hobby. Otherwise you’ll chafe your dick off or drown in your own semen, you chronic masturbator.
“Do you think more people will pay attention to America’s U-23 soccer team with the summer Olympics coming up?”
Do their jerseys say USA across the chest? Then yes.
“SNOOKI IS PREGNANT! What the fuck does this mean for man kind?”
It means that somewhere there’s a guy that not only put his dick inside of Snooki, but was too stupid to pull out, which is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever typed. Now she is going to have a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome that a court of law will be able to prove is his child. People feel bad for Whitney Houston, but they should feel bad for the poor jackass who thought that procreating with a gremlin troll was a good idea. Snooki is worse than Bobby Brown.
“Can you snort Viagra?”
You can snort anything, Timmy. The real question is, should you? I think so.
“Is it ok for your fraternity sweethearts to call your pledges babies?”
It depends on how hot she is, and that answer can be used for any question like this: “Is it ok for (a girl) to _________?”
“Which one are you in the ‘This is TFM’ video?”
I’m the guy that is getting abused in ping pong.
“You have to watch either the WNBA finals or a cricket match with the Indian broadcasters. Which is it?”
The cricket match with the Indian broadcasters. Unlike with the WNBA, I wouldn’t even know if someone was blowing it.
“Is it bad to laugh if you’re getting a blumpkin and the water splashes up on her?”
Yeah, that’s bad. And I’m done here.
*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.