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Welcome back to “Ask The Intern.” I have pooled questions of an unrestricted nature from people who follow me (@TFMintern) on twitter. Inquiries can also be emailed to TFMintern@Grandex.co. These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response.
“If your bro was cheating on a hot girl that you were interested in would you tell her if there was a chance she’d hook up with you?”
This is just like asking, “Are you a pathetic back-stabbing snake?” There are three sets of rules with which I manage my life: the Ten Commandments, the U.S. Constitution, and the TotalFratMove.com Terms and Conditions. Somewhere in one of those it explicitly states that if you intentionally disrupt the efforts of a friend trying to get poon, even if the pursuit of said poon is considered immoral, you must sacrifice one of your testicles to Ronald Reagan.
No I wouldn’t fucking tell her. Snitches get stitches.
“Why have you been too lazy to do this column for the past 4 months?”
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
“Why do you hate Chili’s?”
Because it’s where Michael Scott and other underachieving middle-management jokers go to inhale something called the “Awesome Blossom.” Also, their “I want my baby back” jingle was stuck in my head from age 6 to 11, and it took a lot of therapy to repair my psychosis.
“At this point, how much of your soul would you estimate you have left?”
After I posted that picture of the girl who shit the floor on Fail Friday, I’d say none.
“Is your chill-to-pull ratio better than McCoy’s?”
For those who don’t know, this question is in reference to this video. I’m not a West Coaster, so my chill ratio is assumedly far lower. I’m good with the “pull” but I come up lacking in the “chill” department. But I don’t know McCoy personally, so I can’t say for sure.
“I cry after I masturbate, but not after sex. Am I emotionally disconnected?”
As a self-respecting American man there are very few situations that permit you to shed tears: loss of a beloved family member, loss of a purebred frathound, and you’re allowed a short “sports cry” under very specific circumstances. Like if you’re from Chicago and the Cubs win the World Series, or if you’re from Dallas and Josh Hamilton dies of alcohol poisoning.
“Favorite theme for a party? Least favorite?”
My least favorite theme is probably ABC (Anything But Clothes). Sorostitutes are crafty and clever, so they find ways to cover up everything I want to see. Guys are careless and retarded so we end up unintentionally showing more skin than the girls, and shit just gets weird. The last thing I want is to be at a party where a girl’s entire body is covered in CAUTION tape, and some fat fucker is wearing nothing but a parking cone tied to a rope that he has stuffed his junk into. Fuck that.
My favorite theme is the one that gets girls to wear the smallest amount of clothing and act the most morally reprehensible.
“If you rape a prostitute is it considered shoplifting?”
I’m pretty sure that’s property theft, but I’m not sure. Better call Saul!
“You get to punch three people in the face. Who and why?”
My high school baseball coach, because he made me run triangles for raging. Nicki Minaj, because of everything she’s ever done. And whoever is currently banging my future wife. Maybe it’s Gisele Bundchen. Maybe it’s Kate Upton (who got the SI Swimsuit cover this year by the way). Regardless of who she is, I’m sure someone is slaying her because she’s a 10, and I want to punch that motherfucker in the face.
“Biggest pet peeve? Believe in God? One thing that would be a relationship breaker?”
When people insist on informing the social media community that they are going to the gym.
Asking too many questions.
“If you could **** one TFM Sweetheart, who would it be?”
It’s impossible to choose one, but I’d definitely want one of the bad girls. You know what I’m talking about. You don’t want the experience to be one-sided, you know? Give me one that has some dark magic up her sleeve. Not like that. God you’re sick.
“Do you exclusively follow girls for the sole reason that most are attractive? Because we tweet some of the dumbest shit…”
I only follow girls on twitter because it makes the twitter trolls (people who literally live on twitter) angry. I avoid looking at my @TFMintern feed for that very reason, because it is literally thousands of bitching and complaining princess tweets, and the boner I would get from reading all that complaining would definitely last more than four hours and force me to consult a physician. So unless you tweet directly at me, or I follow you with my personal account, I probably don’t see your complaining.
“Ashley Cheatham, Kala Boudreaux, OprahIsADyke. Marry, fuck, kill. GO!”
F, M, kill slowly. If you were wondering who “OprahIsADyke” is, he’s the queen of TFM trolls.
“On a scale of 1 to fucked, what’s Peyton Manning’s career looking like?”
Rob Lowe told me that Peyton Manning will be 100% recovered and starting for the Houston Texans next year, leading them to an undefeated season and Super Bowl victory.
“How much pee do I need to pee in your mom’s butt?”
“I can only get off to a photo of myself. Any suggestions?”
Take your favorite picture of yourself and cover the back of it in double-stick tape. Next, get into the doggie style position with your slamboni, and carefully stick the prepared photo to the back of her head. Slam away while enjoying your favorite photo of yourself. Just be sure and remove it after you finish without her noticing, and you can get through the rest of your life without people knowing you need to be committed into a mental institution.
*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.