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Ask The Intern: Whiskey at Work

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Welcome to the sixth edition of “Ask The Intern.” At the beginning of each week I prompt the followers of @TFMintern on twitter to participate by asking me questions of an unrestricted nature. Inquiries can also be emailed to These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response:

“Have you ever had the sudden urge to punch Dick from Dick’s Picks right in the nose? I’d kill for that opportunity.”

I’ve met Dick once, and he hit me with a handshake-fake-out to hair-slick-back then laughed loudly and called me a faggot before walking away. So yeah, I’ve wanted to punch him in the nose. Look for that fuckers newest video today or tomorrow.

“What’s a good grace period between talking and FBO?”

This question was obviously asked by a female. It’s extremely depressing that being “Facebook Official” is now a large step in a relationship. That being said, I have no fucking idea what designates a good amount of time between talking and becoming “FBO.” In fact, I think I’d hate myself if I knew the answer to this question.

“Is there a cure for Adderall dick?”

Everyone remembers the first time they went to take a piss cracked out of their mind on Adderall, because it’s terrifying. You may have even yelled out, “Holy fuck I shrunk my dick.” Addy restricts your vascular system causing less blood to flow to your dong and as a result…shrinkage. There is no cure, but having a friendly sorority girl play your frat flute could ease the symptoms.

“Do you prefer a girl to be a Jackie or a Marilyn?”

This question drives me mad, because typically I prefer brunettes to blondes, but if I had to choose between Jackie and Marilyn then Ms. Monroe’s rack would win that battle. I mean…come on…

“Is there ever going to be a TFM app for Droids?”

As a matter of fact there is. The TFM Android app will be available in a few weeks, so stay tuned. Remember, the TFM and TSM apps are already available in the iTunes Store for iPhone users.

“My dog has been eating its own shit…what should I do?”

Rub your nose in its shit and then bark at him like a fucking psychopath.

“What’s the best hangover remedy?”

Watching NFL football draped in an American flag while nailing a slam doggy-style with “Decision Points” open to page 69 on the small of her back and an ice cold domestic beer in each hand.

“Would you rather be paddled by the fraternity meat head or drink a full water bottle of his dip spit?”

I’d definitely rather be paddled. I think the line of pain that would have to be crossed before I’d drink the bottle of dip spit would be a brutal stabbing. If you can’t handle paddling you’re a bitch, but if you can handle drinking an entire water bottle of dip spit you’re not right in the head.

“Is it bad that I keep a whiskey drink in my office and on Friday afternoons I take a few pulls between consulting patients?”

If “consulting patients” means you’re an important doctor and “bad” means illegal, then yes. But if “consulting patients” means you’re a dentist or psychiatrist and “bad” means immoral, then no.

“Have you ever ate a box of Nerds out of a butthole?”

No. But you know what? If I were to eat something out of a butthole it would definitely be Nerds or pink Starburst.

“Who’s more frat: Margaret Thatcher, Vladimir Putin, Henry VIII?”

Henry VIII. The guy was a loose cannon of depraved behavior. He was married six times and more than once had his wife beheaded for failing to produce a male heir. His reputation is one of lustful debauchery and harsh abuse of absolute power. He also inspired the laziest hit single in the history of songwriting.

“Would you slam Katie Perry if your parents had to watch?”

As much as I’d love to light Katie Perry up like a firework, it just wouldn’t be worth it if my parents had to watch. I’m just as disappointed as you are, and I tried to say yes, but I just couldn’t do it.

“My male lab just humped a smaller male dog. Is he just asserting his dominance and I should be TFTC about it or should I put him down because he’s gay?”

He’s just a stupid, horny dog. You don’t put your dog down because he bats for the other team once in a while by accident. Put yourself down, homophobe.

“If you could change one thing about the world what would it be?”

Chaz Bono.

*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.

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