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Asking Your Significant Other How Many People She’s Slept With Is Stupid

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Guys, there are actual humans killing themselves and others because they think they’ll get to some sex paradise with 72 virgins. That’s almost 75 whole virgins. Think about that. There is heinous, global, religious terrorism in order to get an unlimited boner and 72 virgins to use it on. The Quran doesn’t say “72 sexy babes,” or “72 women who will lick your butt.” Just “72 virgins,” suggesting that the height of sexual experience, or any human experience for that matter, is sleeping with a girl with a pristine hymen. Obviously, this is not because virgins know what they’re doing; rather, I think this gets at a man’s intrinsic desire for ownership. We men have this innate revulsion to knowing the girl we’re seeing slept with a lot of people. It’s a visceral reaction. Why? It can’t be tossed off with dismissive edicts, like “because it’s slutty.” No, it’s because then the man in question feels a level of competition, and if his confidence is lacking, then that competition manifests itself as threatening. “How big were their dicks?” would be the next logical question if it didn’t completely tip his hand to his feeling of inadequacy. I think, for the most part, we get that a girl has the right to experience as much sex as any man, but how do we react when we’re really faced with it? Maybe you want a partner who has experienced life (lest it manifest itself in late-life regret) but what if she experienced life with 50 other men? What about 100? Is 15 okay? What’s a good number?

I think we’d all be a bit freaked out if our girlfriend told us she’d slept with 100 men. But jump over to the comments on any article this site has to offer. Every guy wants a world with new girls every night and a herpes scare every morning. I don’t blame them. I encourage them to try, no matter what the girls look like, because I think this is the new reality of hookups and timing. We live in a new world where the age of marriage keeps moving backward and the time alone allots for an era of higher numbers. Don’t go out every night like a killer collecting scalps if you’re going to judge a girl for doing the same. Hell, half the guys reading this have thrown out the idea to girls they’re dating that they should be together while in the same city, but “see what happens” when they’re apart. None of you meant, “That guy in my fantasy league is cool, I’ll see what happens.” Would it have even gotten suggested if you knew she was going to out-fuck you? But, why not?

What’s more (and confusing the issue) we WANT a confident lover. I had a friend who started hooking up with a girl who had just broken up with her high school sweetheart at age 23. We were all having drinks and he explained the situation. He said, “Yeah, I’m dating this new girl. She’s only been with one guy.” Cue record scratch. The group looked at him as if he said, “Yeah, I’m dating this new girl. She has a penis. But she’s really cool.” We all started saying stuff like, “Oh man, that’s a tough one.” And we asked questions like, “Did you guys meet at a church event?” and “Does she think kissing gets her pregnant?” and “What are you going to do?” as if a dire crisis was presented.

So there’s a problem with being “slutty” and a problem with “inexperience.” We want what we can’t have: an experienced virgin. That’s the great lie, the MacGuffin, the Holy Grail. It’s impossible, so stop sweating it. Ultimately, my message is this: any girl who knows to firmly grab your ass during fellatio has been with the right amount of people. Now move on.

But perhaps the person you are dating is not as forward-thinking as you are. The question may blindside you someday from a jealous or curious person, a person you otherwise love. That’s why we need a “right amount.” There may be a point where you need to give a perfect answer and I’m here to tell you that number is nine. I honestly believe we should all just say nine. Just do it. Pass the word along. This is our generation’s underground railroad. The sound of it even means “no” in German, so it can be like our secret, social campaign against asking this question. Also, if you’re okay with saying you’ve had sex with nine people, then you’re probably a certain type of person. You like to go out, you’ve made some mistakes, and you have someone in your phone saved as “DON’T ANSWER.” If you’re a girl, it’s enough for a guy to know you understand the subtle intricacies of the male body but not too many where a guy who watches too much porn (every guy) would start thinking you might have gotten pooped on. If you’re a man, it means your desirable yet discerning. Lastly, the most important reason is you can see if the guy or girl you’re dating is okay with the number nine. Nine is a reasonable number–a touch conservative, even. Ipso facto, if the person you’re dating is not okay with nine, he or she is not a reasonable person. Get out. Go find someone who also says nine. You can both slyly smile, knowing you’ve both fucked a lot more people than that.

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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