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Well, as much as I hate to contribute another story involving fraternity guys and stupid decisions they make with their anuses, I couldn’t help but write one about the latest story out of Marshall University involving two fraternity members of ATO, a bottle rocket, and an anus. Yes, you read this correctly, a bottle rocket and an anus.
In May 2011, Louis Helmburg was on the upper balcony of his fraternity house with another brother, Travis Hughes. Hughes decided to allegedly shoot a bottle rocket out of his sphincter at Helmburg. The suit claims that “Hughes was highly intoxicated on this date and time, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the ATO deck,” the suit alleged. Standard party, right?
In a shocking turn of events, “Defendant Hughes placed a bottle rocket in his anus, ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in defendant’s rectum.” Helmburg is suing both the fraternity and Hughes. Helmburg states, “The explosion scared him, causing him to fall three to four feet off the fraternity deck.” He claims the fraternity is at fault for not constructing a railing on the deck. Richmond Property Group, who owns the ATO house, responded by saying that it was Helmburg’s fault for being involved with the whole thing, and they even go on to mention that video evidence from his cell phone shows him encouraging Hughes to continue with his brilliant plan.
This Helmburg guy is starting to sound like a real pain in the ass if you ask me.
I love bottle rockets as much as the next guy, but there is a reason they are called BOTTLE rockets, not ASS rockets. So, here is some unwarranted and probably unwanted advice, stop putting liquids, inanimate objects, and incendiary items in your butthole. Clearly no one is a winner when this stuff happens. Oh, and a quick update on Hughes, he too is being sued for contributing to the accident. So, not only does this guy have an exploded rectum, but he’s being sued for negligence and he will forever be known as “the guy who lit a bottle rocket in his own ass.”