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Attention Incoming Freshmen: Be Afraid

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With the large influx of new students coming in this fall, I’ve decided to take a look at some of the advice the good old web has provided for them. After looking at a few advice columns, I came across one that seeks to calm the anxiety that many students feel about starting college. I’m here to provide my hot takes on each piece of advice from the unique perspective of someone who is still in college and doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. Here goes.

From CollegeXpress:

1. Everyone is in the same boat.

Not true. Try telling that to the kid whose parents paid all his tuition up front without batting an eye, or a guy who’s trying to get into medical school without going insane. One of the most important things I’ve realized about college is that everyone is a different boat, new leaks are always popping up in the boat, and you’re truly alone in the world. Depressing stuff, but true.

2. The large student body means there are fewer cliques and less bullying.

Less bullying? Tad and his buddies used to give me a swirly every time I went to the dining hall. I would go days without eating due to being so scared, and that only made my skeletal frame even more frail. Fuck you, Tad.

3. College is a fresh start.

This really depends on the college. Many people from my high school went straight to a university that was in the next town over on the interstate. Whatever you do, get more than 50 miles from home, or you’ll be looking at four more years of high school. Also, if you were caught with your dick stuck in a fruit back in high school, you’ll still be a melon-fucker. Even though it’s been four fucking years.

5. Everyone actually wants to be there.

Not true. My school has an 81% acceptance rate, and I can guarantee that at least a single-digit percentage would rather work at Vivint and smoke pot all day. Don’t be one of those people.

9. Your future will be at your fingertips.

I totally agree with this one. However, it’s likely that whatever you study in college will be outdated and useless in the working world. Look at me, for instance. I spent five long years majoring in gender studies, only to find that there wasn’t a sizable market for my skill set. Luckily, I now make nearly minimum wage at TFM, but some of you may not be so lucky. When failure is inevitable, you need to have a backup plan.

10. Pressure’s off! There is no right or wrong way to “do” college.

That’s like saying there’s no right or wrong way to swim across one of the Great Lakes. If you fuck that up, you’ll find yourself succumbing to the elements. Similarly, you can be in a ton of debt with only a B.A. in Gender Studies to show for it, as well as have a guy named Tad that kicks you in the nards and takes your lunch money. You’re a real jerk, Tad.

[via CollegeXpress]

Image via Shutterstock

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