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Auburn Fans Petition Obama to Fire Gene Chizik…or Order a Military Drone Strike

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It’s a tough time to be an Auburn fan right now. No hope. Mass depression. Erratic, irrational behavior. Like many low-life societal leaches in our country, they are turning to the government for help. On the website, “We The People,” common folk can publish formal requests to the government. It’s just an online outlet for the people to be heard. Auburn fans that have the internet are officially petitioning President Obama to save their football program.

Auburn football is currently 2-8 and 0-7 in SEC play.

Here is the request:

“You probably remembered the Auburn University football team from their visit to your house in early 2011. You gave Trooper Taylor a chest bump. Since then the football team, like the Tea Party has fallen off of the map and would be forgotten by the nation were it not for our ineptitude. …
“Do the right thing.

Either sent military drones to the athletic department and blow the whole thing up or give our boosters a $10 million stimulus package to create new orange and blue jobs. Determine that Jacobs and Chizik are terrorists and get rid of them for Auburn. Go USA!”

Haha, “sent.”

Barry, the requests are simple. You can either (a.) write them a check for a cool 10 mill and ask Chiz to step down, or (b.) euthanize the athletic department by way of costly, genocidal drone strike. As much as so many people would love to see that university and/or athletic department put out of its dreadful misery, I’m thinking option A would prove to be a more efficient use of resources and better play for the long haul.



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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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