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Auburn’s Toomer’s Corner Trees Catch Fire, Probably Just Trying to Kill Themselves At This Point

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The famed trees at Auburn University’s Toomer’s Corner have once again suffered damage after catching fire early Sunday morning, sources say.

Previously, the trees were famously poisoned by Alabama fan Harvey Updyke after Auburn’s 2010 National Championship because, IN THE SOUTH FOOTBALL IS LIFE AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN YOU CAN GO BACK NORTH YOU SOCCER LOVING YANKEE QUEER.

The most recent incident is still being investigated by Auburn police. They believe the fire probably has something to do with Auburn students celebrating this past weekend’s victory over Alabama A&M, a victory that is arguably Auburn’s best win of the year (no really).

While police are not exactly sure what happened yet, I have my own theory: the Trees tried to kill themselves.

The Trees realized which school the reportedly hundreds of students T-Ping them were celebrating a victory over, then, reflected on Auburn’s season, took a look at their already mangled form, and just said, “Fuck it.”

So, dried out from the poisoning and covered in papery kindling, the trees went about rubbing their branches together until they produced a spark and ignited themselves.

Unfortunately for the Trees, the Auburn Fire Department decided to be a bunch of Schiavos and extinguish the fire, extending the Trees’ sad lives and preventing the once proud Oaks from going out in a blaze of glory.

The fire significantly damaged the Trees.

It is now uncertain whether students will be allowed to continue throwing toilet paper rolls on the trees to celebrate Auburn athletic victories this year, sources say.

Of course, unless Alabama’s first AND second string die suddenly or someone invents a time machine and kidnaps Charles Barkley from the early 80s to play on the current Auburn basketball team, the question of whether or not Auburn students will be allowed to continue their traditional victory celebration is probably moot anyway.



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