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Bad Decisions You Must Make Before You Graduate

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People say college is about education, friendships, and self discovery, which is cool, except that it’s fucking not. Sure, those things are important, but what college is really about is making mistakes. You’re in a bubble where you can get away with a lot of things that you won’t be able to dream about doing in the responsible, adult world. Plus, how can you learn what you’re capable of unless you push yourself to the edge? I’m not saying you should murder a drifter or fuck a cat in the middle of the cafeteria. In fact, you should never think of doing those things. However, I do have some good, old-fashioned bad ideas that you should absolutely try out at some point before walking across that stage and getting your (increasingly useless) piece of paper.

1. Drink In Class

What’s the worst part about being a college student? Being in class. The whole reason you’re supposed to be there is actually the shittiest part of it all. How do you make it better? The same way you upgrade any scenario: booze.

I was a fan of drinking during my night class. I’d have a couple beers with my friends beforehand, and then roll in with a 44-ounce Sonic drink spiked with an irresponsible amount of whiskey. By the end of that three-hour session, I was usually pretty well lit. I’m actually shocked I was never busted, because by the end of those classes, I was walking about as well as a 13-year-old girl wearing heels for the first time. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Just make sure it’s not a class that tests from the lecture notes, because yours will be worthless. By the end of that semester, the only marks in my notebook were several meager penis drawings and some poorly-remembered Bob Seger lyrics.

2. Bang A Professor

I know, this sounds like it’s easier said than done, but if you have the opportunity, take it. There is one key, though. You cannot do it during the semester that you’re actually in her class. You don’t want the emotional baggage of a hookup or relationship to be tied in any way to your grades. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Do want you want, dudes. You might even get a grade bump for it. More importantly, the feeling you’ll get from putting your meat baton inside a woman who decides your academic fate is probably comparable to being the first astronaut to take a dump in space. Momentous and cathartic.

I’m not going to pretend like I actually pulled this off, but a couple of my friends did. Overall, it worked out for them. I mean, sure, one of the encounters led to that professor’s divorce, but I like to think the writing was on the wall for that relationship anyway.

3. Pull A Massive Prank

Pranks are a natural part of college life. Me telling you to pull a prank is like me telling an adolescent boy to masturbate. He’s probably doing it already, and the idea that he wouldn’t have already thought of that is absurd. I’m not talking about your everyday “plastic wrap over the toilet” prank, though. That’s nothing more than some juvenile bullshit. I’m referring to a grand scale, epic prank that will have people talking for years. The kind of prank that turns into a legend. You’ll know you’ve pulled it off when you show up for your 10-year reunion and kids are still talking about the time some guy wrangled a flock of bald eagles into the girls’ soccer team’s locker room. A feat like that would be especially impressive, since bald eagles don’t travel in flocks and you would have to capture each one individually. I’m pretty sure that’s a crime punishable by one life sentence per bird.

4. Streak Across Campus

There’s something liberating and deliciously anarchic about running naked across the place where you’ve sunk tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of stress. It’s like all of the stress of the years just melts away. You probably won’t even get in that much trouble for it if you get busted. My personal experience with it was fantastic. It was the middle of the summer, and I was living with a couple of buddies in a house not far from campus. One night, we had the bright idea to go streaking, because we had exhausted basically every other form of entertainment by that point. We put on our birthday suits, jumped in the lake in front of campus, swam across it, and then sprinted the rest of the way through. It was just a little victimless joke, and that was that. At least, that’s what we thought until the next day, when one of our friends informed us that there was, in fact, a summer camp for middle school kids taking up residence in the dorms that week. Dozens of young girls had witnessed three naked men running across the lawn in front of their rooms at two in the morning. I’m not sure what accidentally exposing yourself to multiple minors goes for in a court of law these days, but I’m willing to bet it’s far from nothing.

5. Take A Whole Week Off

The big secret of college that most people don’t discover until it’s too late is that most of the things you’re worried about are completely unimportant. Attendance, GPA, whether the professor likes you or not–it’s all irrelevant. Sure, you need to make decent enough grades not to get kicked out, but other than that, it’s pretty much all horseshit. So don’t wait for a holiday to go on your awesome road trip. That ballpark tour isn’t going to plan itself. You’re probably going to have some mundane internship during the summer preventing you from doing anything fun anyway, so fuck it. Take a week and go do something fun. Just be smart about it. Don’t do it during midterms or something idiotic like that. Enjoy your life.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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