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Beware The Hog Days Of Summer

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There’s no better summer than the one between freshman and sophomore year. You’re back in your hometown with a shiny new addiction to alcohol. It’s too early to worry about an internship so whatever job you have will most likely be a joke. You can actually drink now, too. Gone are the days of splitting a 12 pack three ways and get used to 1 a.m. beer runs when that thirty rack you and a buddy split goes up in smoke. There will be a lot more opportunities to drink, as well. That’s what happens when you make 100 new friends who all share your passion for booze.

Long story short, you’re going to spend most of this summer drinking. And you should take advantage of it. Drink as much as you can for as long as you can. But be warned. Out there something sinister is lurking, waiting for you to let your guard down. Thousands have fallen pray to them over the years. So heed these words: Beware the Hog Days of Summer.

The bastard cousin of the Freshman Fifteen, the Hog Days are far more nuanced. They sneak up on you. They know you’re too drunk to look in a mirror, or balance on a scale long enough to get a reading. They smile every time you black out and take down a deep dish before chasing it with half a bottle of ranch. And every time you decide you’re too hungover to do anything but drink, the monster grows that much stronger.

Right now you’re probably thinking, Shut the fuck up, ShutTheFuckUpDonnie. I drank like a maniac all year and I’m in the best shape of my life. That’s the devil talking, boy. The only reason you were able to manage that was because you were cranking out thousands of pushups, running hundreds of miles, and sweating, shitting, or crying whatever was left. And sure, you probably drank every day during the summer in high school, but you’re drinking ten times as much and doing zero times as many up-downs as you did back then. For the first time in your life, there won’t be a 40-year-old asshole with a whistle or a 20-year-old asshole with a coke problem forcing you to stay in shape.

Now, I’m not saying you’re not allowed to put on a few. I’m definitely not saying that. If you drink the way you should over the next few years, you’re bound to put on some weight. So don’t sweat a few here and there. Plus, studies have shown that the love for the dad bod is here to stay. I’m just warning you that five pounds turn into ten pounds, which turns to twenty, which turns into a video of you on our Instagram account breaking a rope swing and getting a sharp rock up your butthole.

So, I implore you, stay vigilant my friends. The Hog Days Of Summer are upon us.

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