Bible Verses for the Modern World

Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want higher taxes.

John 3:16 For Urban so loved the world that he gave his one and only Tebow; that whoever believes in Tim shall not be pissed at ESPN’s lovefest, but have eternal fantasy football championships.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for my semi-automatic rifle doth be spraying lead into all them.

John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth is that two 5’s never make a 10.

Matthew 24:34-35 Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass till all these things be fulfilled: Wednesday and Thursday shall pass away, but we, we, we so excited for Friday.

Isaiah 50:10 Who is among you that fears the SABAN, he who obeys the voice of the serpent, who walks in darkness and has no soul?

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Not fish that magically transformed into monkeys. Life isn’t a Harry Potter novel, you idiots.

Proverbs 30:5 Every word of the Star Spangled Banner is pure: he shalt not shield his receding hairline with a baseball cap as it is played.

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of the last four years are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in November. Vote R’Money.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, except February glory for the Detroit Lions.

John 14:6 I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to me through government-funded health care.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but wages on the SEC winning the National Championship can be quite bountiful.

John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was that it is too soon to be making dead Egyptian baby jokes.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for Thou will be with you when you clothesline GDI’s off of their bikes on the way to class.

Isaiah 43:18 Houston, forget the former things; do not dwell on Francisco Cordero’s blown saves of the past.

Revelation 1:8 I am the Alpha and the Omega, and all you pledges better say the word “Sir” after stating My letters.

2 Corinthians 5:7 Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home for the summer, we are absent from an Occupy Wall Street protest.

Psalm 118:8 It is better to trust in the Risk Manager than to put confidence in John Jameson.

Jeremiah 33:3 Call unto me, and I will answer thee, so here’s my number, so call me maybe.


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