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BID/BLACKBALL: WEEK 5 FANTASY FOOTBALL PREVIEW

THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

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Cardinals (-1.5) vs. RAMS

Reasoning Behind the Pick

I mean, really? It’s Week 5, and we’re already left with showcasing games like this?

(*Darth Ginger speaking to a sea of nodding yes-men in an NFL conference room*)

“You know what would be great? To showcase the beautiful city of St. Louis! Hey, camera dude, when you’re doing a flyover of the Gateway Arch, make sure to film the weeds growing out of the homeless people who are decaying on 14th Street.”

Kurt Warner ain’t coming through that door, people. The Greatest Show On Turf has been replaced with “The Greatest Show That Will Maybe Get 10 Yards If They Trip Over Themselves.” And just who’s lining up against them? KEVIN “I BEAT OUT JOHN SKELTON, SO THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS PRONOUNCE MY NAME DIFFERENT THAN IT’S SPELLED” KOLB.

You know how your campus has that one house made up of a bunch of fat, WoW-playing slobs, you know, kind of like the Deltas in Animal House, but without the charm? And then you have the Fatty McBigNosed sorority who spend their days putting pictures of popped zits up on Pinterest? And these two houses get together and throw a mixer because no one else will throw them a bone, which results in a disgusting plethora of fat, awkward, blackout zittyness?

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2012 Cards vs. Rams on Thursday Night Football!

And Bacon, before you get on me about how awful Detroit is, just remember- your city is responsible for this:

You go to hell.

Ed. Note: Is the Nelly video supposed to be an insult? Because every (EVERY) part of me is swollen with civic pride right now. Fuck YOU. – Bacon

BID: Danny Amendola, WR, StL (93.6% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Ryan Williams, RB, ARI

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SUNDAY 1:00 GAMES

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STEELERS (-3.5) vs. Eagles

Reasoning Behind the Pick

So, you progressive cultural vultures want proof of the decline of American Civilization? Spend a mere 20 minutes on Sunday flipping between the game at Heinz Field and Honey Boo Boo on TLC, and then get back to me.

BID: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, PIT (70.1% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Jeremy Maclin, WR, PHI

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COLTS (+7) vs. Packers

 

BID: Andrew Luck, QB, IND (73.7% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Jermichael Finley, TE, GB

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HALFTIME SHOW

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SUNDAY MID-AFTERNOON GAMES

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Broncos(+6.5) vs. PATRIOTS

Reasoning Behind the Pick

There’s a lot of shit from the early 00’s that I’ll still dust off and enjoy every now and again. My Limp Bizkit albums (NOOKIE AND NU METAL AND 7TH GRADE MOSH PITS GAHHH SO MANLY), Pearl Harbor, , etc. You can throw Brady-Manning in that mix, too. Is this experience nearly as good as it was a decade ago? Of course not. Don’t care. I have ALL SORTS OF NOSTALGIA going on right now. I MUST watch this game.
(note to self- unfollow Bill Simmons during the course of the game).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ShwmpkKORs

BID: Peyton Manning, QB, DEN (100% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Willis McGahee, RB, DEN

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Bears (-6) vs. JAGUARS

Reasoning Behind the Pick

To all the Jags fans out reading this, all two of you-

Real nice Super Bowl you guys had. Nothing about the Jaguars’ existence makes any sense whatsoever. It’s the second smallest fan base in the league, and the people who make up that fan base are the white-trashiest of the white trash. The only way that the Jags as a whole could be more white trash was if their jerseys were teal, aka the prototypical 1990s white trash tint of choice. I can’t wait for the book about the history of the Jaguars to come out, which will surely be called “50 Shades of Trailer Park.”

I mean, it takes a LOT of effort to be the worst sports city in the worst sports state in the country, and yet you people of Jacksonville manage a way. What a BRILLIANT idea it was to put a team here. Good God.

“Forget LA, why make money when we could start a franchise in a town that’s best known for 9,000 rednecks flooding the Gator Bowl each year to hurl out racial slurs and scream out to the UGA band to play Free Bird?! Hey, Dale Jr., look at my sister DERP!!”

How bad are things down there? They’re skipping a few home games to go play in London. LONDON? You’re going to go play in  Europe. . Communist traitors. Jags, just change your name to the Cougars and move to Los Angeles already. You and your fans are worthless.

LYNYRD SKYNYRD!

BID: Jay Cutler, QB, CHI (85.3% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, JAX

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49ERS (-10) vs. Bills

Reasoning Behind the Pick

$10,000 to the guy who goes Reservoir Dogs on Mario Manningham.

BID: Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB, BUF (50.8% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Mario Manningham, WR, SF

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SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

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SAINTS (-3.5) vs. Chargers

Reasoning Behind the Pick

Norv Turner vs. an Interim for the Interim for the Head Coach? Yup, definitely picking the latter. Norv Turner is to coaching as Johnny “Half-Sack from Sons of Anarchy” Lewis is to not killing an 81-year old woman and killing himself. 3rd and 25? Hooboy, I’ma run me one of them HB SWEEPS! So bad.

It doesn’t help that the Chargers medical staff might be the most incompetent in ALL of football.

Actual scene from this summer. A buddy, who’s from San Diego, and I are at the bar watching the Chargers pre-season game.

Me: Might as well make the bet now, over/under 2 games before Ryan Mathews suffers some outrageously random injury. It’s like clockwork.

Mike: Go to hell.

(*5 minutes later, Mathews breaks clavicle*)

ME: LOS ANGELES SUPER CHARGERRRRSSSS

BID: Jackie Battle, RB, SD (28.3% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Ryan Mathews, RB, SD

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MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

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JETS (+8) vs. Texans

Reasoning Behind the Pick

Tim Tebow is risen today! Alleluia!
Our triumphant trolling day! Alleluia!
Who did once five 4th quarter comebacks without a loss! Alleluia!
Even Jesus Christ was Tebowing on the Cross! Alleluia!

BID: Saint Timothy Tebow, QB, Heaven (13.4% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Medical training staff, IR, NYJ

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LAST WEEK: 5-2-1
SEASON: 10-7-1

 

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