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Bill O’Reilly vs. Jon Stewart: Tale of the Tape

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On October 6th, our generation’s two most influential (READ: egotistical) talking heads, Bill O’Reilly and Jon Stewart, hosts of The O’Reilly Factor and The Daily Show, respectively, will come face-to-face in what could very well be the deciding battle for our Nation’s soul. You know, until the next deciding battle for our Nation’s soul occurs, which will probably be, like, a week later. Seriously, if you ever stop and look at how the media portrays the imaginary, err, perpetual, fight over “traditional/progressive values” in this country, you would think that the American voter is fucking Helen of Troy. Whether it’s Romney vs. Obama, Kelly vs. Justin, or Ted Nugent vs. Sanity, it seems like we can’t go five minutes without someone reminding us that our very livelihoods could, at any minute, be irreversibly determined by two people or factions that really couldn’t care more about any of us.

Set to take place within the friendly confines of George Washington University’s Lisner Auditorium, the two media giants have agreed to unbury the hatchet, and square off in an epic exchange of ideas, which has been officially dubbed, “The Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium.” Coverage of the event is going to be live-streamed, and will be available for $4.95 (yes, they’re seriously asking people to pay five bucks for this, like it was the Lingerie Bowl or something. Assholes).

It’s not the first time that O’Reilly and Stewart have squared off. Even though they couldn’t be any farther removed on the political spectrum, the two are actually pretty good friends and have appeared numerous times on each other’s programs for some gratuitous ball-busting.

Put your political biases aside. These two make GREAT television when they’re in the same studio with each other, and I am extremely excited to see O’Reilly square up with Stewart, a guy who I hardly agree with 100% of the time, but who is incredibly entertaining when he mixes dick jokes with pointing out the obscurities inherent in our political and media systems.

On his show Monday evening, O’Reilly initiated the smack-talk, stating that he was looking forward to going head-to-head and eye-to-eye with Stewart, “Well, not really; Stewart’s a tiny guy.”

Gauntlet dropped; point, Papa Bear. Your move, Jon boy.


Bill O’Reilly

Height: 6’4”

Weight: 247 lbs. of American winning machine

Undergrad affiliation: Marist College (NY)

Sport played in college: American Football (Punter)

Greek affiliation: GDI (would you Go Greek at a school called Marist College?)


-Defending American values when they’re not under attack

-Shattering ear drums

-Wearing a skirt and performing “The Lord of the Dance (presumably; he’s Irish, after all).

Jon Stewart

Height: 5’6”

Weight: 142 lbs. of godless progressivism

Undergrad affiliation: The College of William and Mary (VA)

Sport: Communist “Football” (Soccer)

Greek affiliation: Pi Kappa Alpha (deactivated after 6 months)


-Attacking American values for shits and giggles

-Paying Jim Cramer’s therapy bills

-Co-starring in shitty Adam Sandler movies.


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