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Bottom-Tier Formal Destinations: Your Own Fraternity House

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The Summer House Party

Maybe your chapter is in debt. Maybe your membership is too low to collect enough money for a nicer trip. Maybe your chapter isn’t allowed at any respectable venue within 500 miles. For whatever reason, your formal is looking less than stellar this year. While this may be an awful situation to find yourself in, I’ll do what I can to help you make the most of it by highlighting some third-rate formal locations to check out. Our featured destination for today is your own house. That’s right, we’ve hit the absolute bottom of the barrel. Your broke asses can’t even afford a venue to host your formal, so you’ll have to make due with your very own digs. Should be a night to remember.

The first thing you have to do when hosting a formal at your home court is to go to at least some lengths to disguise it not to look like your shitty fraternity house. Perhaps a theme, like Casino Night or Great Fratsby? I don’t know. I’m not your dad. Once you’ve figured that out, you can organize a dinner where everyone takes their dates to Macaroni Grill or Olive Garden or some shit. Let’s face it, your broke ass will be lucky to afford the bread sticks there. The insufficient amount of food you get will actually help you later on, as it won’t be able to soak up the gallons of alcohol you ingest.

As for the alcohol you want, get like two bottles of Maker’s or Patron to bring out early and make people think that you have at least some budget or taste. The rest of your liquor arsenal is going to be bottom-shelf, so you might as well invest in plenty of mixers for all the industrial solvent-grade vodka you’ve purchased. You can use whatever you have leftover in the morning to clean up all the orange juice and lemonade stains and hopefully ward off the fruit flies.

You can’t rely on your shitty party playlist for this night. It is formal, after all. At basically any college campus, especially in the western part of the country, EDM DJs are a dime a dozen. You should be able to get one to “perform” at your event for less than 50 an hour. If not, make one of your pledges spend a week trapped in the basement with only the sounds of Odesza and GTA to soothe him. When he emerges, he will have a fresh Peaky Blinders cut and “only lay down the sickest beats, bro.”

Before the night gets underway, remember to soundproof the hell out of your entire house, as well as black out the windows. The authorities were not invited to your legendary formal, and will be hella pissed if they show up to your door and find that they’re missing out on the night of the century.

When you know that the night is about to be a train wreck, you might just want to revel in the chaos and see how bad things get. One way to do this is to make some changes to the formal superlatives for this year. Typically, fraternities will give out awards for “Best brother,” “Heaviest drinker,” “Most likely to get married,” and other such things. This is the year to spice it up. We’re talking “Most likely to end up in a van down by the river,” “Boner Garage,” and “Biggest Disappointment.” With superlatives like these, all the liquored up guests will be able to feel the hurt feelings and rising tension. You may have a brawl on your hands before too long. All you can do now is have your DJ put on “Space Oddity” and proceed to join in on the bloodbath.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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