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BuzzFeed is in hot water lately for leaking a bunch of potentially fake news regarding Donald Trump and some Russian hookers. Time will tell if they ultimately suffer for carelessly posting unsubstantiated reports, but I have noticed a lot more of their content in my news feed in the last 24 hours. One that kept being shared by female friends of mine was called “11 Ridiculous Ways To Stretch Your Money Until Payday,” and I decided to open it up and see what profound wisdom everyone’s favorite listicle site could impart upon me. Surprise — it was cancer.
I present to you below 6 of the worst money-saving techniques mentioned in the article (you can read the full article here if you wish).
1. Flirting = free drinks!
You know, for a website that regularly posts about the injustice and mistreatment that women are subjected to, they sure are coming off a little sexist here. Even when you look past the double standard, this tip is still impractical. If you’re short on money and don’t know how you’ll make it to the end of the month, heading to the bars is probably not the move.
2. Buy peanut butter in bulk.
I’m sorry, what? I’ve been broke before, and peanut butter is not something you can live on. Hell, it’s not even that cheap. The five bucks you’d spend on an oversized jar of Skippy could instead purchase a week’s worth of burrito ingredients if it had to. Moving on…
3. Develop an interest in art.
“Hit those gallery openings, schmooze a little, and the free wine and cheese is alllll yours.“
Is all that peanut butter giving you an upset stomach? Don’t fret! Just head over to a fucking art gallery and eat cheese. The main problem I have with this is the fact that you’d be associating with artists. Hanging around broke people is probably not the best look for you when you’re trying to stretch your money.
4. Get creative with pantry items.
“Cook pasta, throw in some beans, douse it in hot sauce, and call it a day. Seriously, try it.“
Looking at shitty art all day has sure made me hungry, but not hungry enough to prepare the disgusting concoction suggested by our noble penny pinchers over at BuzzFeed. If you’re going to make pig slop for dinner, why not bother to incorporate the bulk amounts of peanut butter you just bought? It’s like they aren’t even trying.
6. Hoard condiment packets.
An indentured serf in feudal Europe would call you a peasant.
9. Sit in coffee shops for long stretches of time.
You know what will finally get you out of your financial slump? That shitty fantasy novel you’ve been typing out at Starbucks. Plus, the workers probably just love it when you’ve bought one coffee and think it’s cool to lurk there for eight hours.
This gripping article of indispensable advice serves another purpose, though: it encourages readers to utilize H&R Block for financial services. I’ve had nothing but positive experiences with H&R Block myself, but sadly this article makes me want to never do business with them again. This doesn’t surprise me, though, because right now BuzzFeed seems to adorably fuck up everything they touch. When they tried to attack Donald Trump earlier this week, all they did was further empower him. Now they’re trying to support H&R Block, but they’re doing it with a piece of nonsensical garbage which contains advice so realistic and stupid it doesn’t even work as satire.
Believe it or not, however, I took a lot from this list. If there was ever a doubt that I had the motivation to work hard and not be poor, this completely erased it. I’m of the school that the best way to stretch your money is to make more of it, and we’ve got you covered on that. The items on our list are smart and practical, and you won’t need to beg for food at an art gallery..
Image via YouTube