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BREAKING: Alabama Crimson Tide Cheated During 2011 BCS Run

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SEC fans are right when they say that there’s just something in the water that turns their gridiron heroes into winners.

The BCS National Championship has called the Southeastern Conference home for over the past seven years. It’s an unheard of reign of dominance in the modern era. 2,214 days of loudmouthed, boisterous Dixie fans holding the rest of the nation hostage with their supposedly innate football supremacy.

You could give 10,000 people a guess as to what the cause of the SEC’s winning ways has been, and the answers would vary between supreme coaching, illegal recruiting and over-signing, and a beat-to-death Kristen Saban reference as beat-to-death as the friends of Kristen Saban who dare cross her. All 10,000 people would be wrong, to no fault of their own. After all, I don’t think anyone would have guessed that the secret to $EC success has been…

deer antler spray?

Ever since David Epstein and George Dohrmann of Sports Illustrated broke this story, my brain has been left spinning like Austin Collie’s.

The piece is over 5,600 words, but here are the fundamentals of the newest scandal to sweep “God’s conference.”

  • Deer antler spray is a spray that is used on deer antlers.
  • Deer antler spray contains IGF-1, which is a natural, anabolic hormone that stimulates muscle growth.
  • Athletes can abuse deer antler spray as an undetectable performance enhancing drug in order to heal quicker.
  • Athletes ingest the deer antler spray into their bodies by freezing it, and spraying the extract under their tongues.
  • IGF-1 is on the banned substance list of the NCAA, as well as every other major sports league.
  • The night before the 2012 BCS National Championship Game against LSU, University of Alabama football players came to the New Orleans Marriott hotel door of Christopher Key.
  • Christopher Key is the co-owner of S.W.A.T.S. (Sports with Alternatives to Steroids), a Birmingham-based sports supplement company.
  • Key gave the Crimson Tide players the banned substance, and warned them that taking the substance will leave them subject to “Taser-like” harm from all of the cell phone signals inside of the Superdome.
  • In order to rectify these internal shock waves, Key also gave the Alabama football players water laced with negatively-charged powder additive, as well as stickers known as “chips” that were to be placed over various acupuncture points, including the heart.
  • Key captured the entire ordeal on a hidden pen camera, and has shown the footage to Sports Illustrated.
  • Key told SI that he also sold 20 bottles of deer antler spray to players on the LSU football team before their 9-6 regular season victory over Alabama.
  • Key told SI that he also sold healing chips to Auburn during their 2010 BCS National Championship season.
  • Key further claims that he sold “healing bands” to players on this year’s Ole Miss and Georgia football teams.
  • Alabama issued a statement Tuesday night, stating, “UA has been aware of this situation for some time, and we have monitored this company for several years.”
  • Players from the SEC have reached out to Key as recent as this past Tuesday asking for more of the banned substance.It has become exceedingly rare when a PED scandal sends shock waves in the age of Bonds, Armstrong, and Jeremy Lin (just face facts, TFM writer, Rockets fan, and New York Times best-selling author W.R. Bolen, Linsanity’s on the juice). But this is a whole ‘nother animal we’re dealing with here. No, literally. We are dealing with athletes using other species of animals to boost their performance capabilities. Can you even imagine the sort of enhancement they would have gotten from ingesting Saban’s devil horns? SOMEONE LOOK INTO THIS!

    Look away! Look away! Look away Dixie Land!

    *S-E-C!* *S-E-C!* *S-E-C!*

    [via Sports Illustrated and ESPN]

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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