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BREAKING: Consensual Sex Occurs In Fraternity House

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School officials were baffled Sunday morning after hearing that a female student willingly took part in consensual sex at an off-campus fraternity house this past weekend.

“Yeah, we fucked,” said Jennifer Evans, 21, of Oakmont Park. “Like, a lot.”

A witness spotted Evans leaving the Beta Delta fraternity house Sunday morning wearing an oversized rush t-shirt that was clearly not hers, and immediately reported the incident to campus police. The university confirmed that the address in question was indeed that of a fraternity house, and immediately revoked Beta Delta’s status as a registered student organization, banning the chapter from returning to campus for at least four years.

Even after hearing Evans’ stunning testimony, however, Dean of Students Terry Millhouse maintains belief that Evans was sexually assaulted.

“This can be a tricky situation for the victim,” Dean Millhouse said. “We need to respect her privacy at this time, and hope that, some day, she feels comfortable enough to tell us what really happened.”

“I don’t know what more the university wants from me,” Evans told Total Frat Move. “I told the truth. Was I supposed to lie?”

In the meantime, Dean Millhouse has made it clear that the university will be standing by their decision to ban Beta Delta.

“We stand by our punishment,” said Millhouse. “Maybe Ms. Evans wasn’t sexually assaulted, though she probably was, but we’re paving the way for future generations of women to avoid these bastions of unsavory hedonism and the perpetuation of rape culture.”

Repeated calls to the Beta Delta chapter house for comment went unanswered. Phone service records tell us this may be because their phone bill hasn’t been paid since 1987.

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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