Breaking Down One Of The Worst TFM Column Submissions Of All Time


Every day, or every other day, I get an email full of links to columns that I am supposed to read, and, if they are worthy, edit and post. Sometimes, the columns are worth posting. Other times, they are not. However, before I even set my eyes on them, they are reviewed by one of our interns. The intern’s job is decide if the column is worthy of my time. If the column is not good I will usually just delete it and move on. When the column isn’t good, it’s usually just “meh.” It’s never a barely coherent collection of drunken ramblings about how some dude’s dick doesn’t work, because how in the name of God could anyone think something like that would be publishable? Fucking interns. Today, however, one such column appeared in my inbox. At first I thought the intern was trolling me. He’s not here anymore, so I can’t know for sure. Regardless, I felt compelled to share this gem with the TFM community, and break it down, because it’s Friday and I’m bored, but more importantly, holy shit, is this submission stupid and hilarious. So, without further ado…

Could you ever just not get it up?

I like to imagine the author is asking this question as if he’s sitting alone at some bar, halfway through his 14th beer, and decided to turn to the guy on the stool nearest to him and drunkenly make what he thought was relatable conversation.

“Hey, bud, could ya ever just not get it up? Ya know, it! Yer pecker! The ole love log. Yer donger. The waaannnggg. The frat stick. Yer dick!”

“Yeah, I get it, you drunk creep, now leave me the hell alone.”

This is not a sob story so don’t feel bad for me.

Don’t worry, I still feel bad for you.

This is just a story about a time I was bored, horny, drunk and decided to ATTEMPT to fuck someone I shouldn’t have. It was 3 am and I had just returned home from the casino with my friends from back home. I was still pretty buzzed after putting down a shitload of Budweisers in the casino parking lot before gambling. I cashed out with 165 dollars, after starting with only 10 so I had a good night thus far.


But anyway, back to how I couldn’t get it up.

Oh good, because I was already thinking to myself, “More details about your penis, please.”

I texted a girl I use to hook up with in high school and told her to come over. We had talked about hooking up again for a long time but never did. I would always jokingly (but not really jokingly) tell her how I would ram her brains out better than any guy she has been with, and she of course would laugh and say I bet you can’t so I had my work cut out for me. I needed to prove to this girl that I was not all talk.

I hope that was the exact text you sent her, actually. “Sup babe, I would ram your brains out better than any guy you have ever been with.”

“LOL, k.”

I guess I appreciate the boldness.

I dozed in and out of sleep as I waited for her arrival around 4 am. When she finally arrived we wasted no time going straight into my room and getting naked. We did the usual foreplay before sex, and me being the gentleman that I am,

That being the brain-ramming-outing kind of gentleman…

I wanted to make sure I could please her in every which way possible so I went down on her like my life depended on it. Her body contorted as she moaned into a pillow so my parents wouldn’t hear from the room next door,

Making her moan so hard that she has to put a pillow over her face so your parents won’t hear. TFM.

she squeezed my head with her legs as if she was trying to pop a watermelon like that weird video I saw on YouTube.

Guhhh that was lame.

While all this was going on I found myself thinking about why I was going to town on her? I don’t even find this girl attractive anymore. Can she just give me some oral pleasure and we call it a day?

But wait, I thought you were going to ram her brains out. Wait, are you LITERALLY going to ram her brains out? Are we about to get into some hardcore face fucking action? Did you murder this girl with your cock!?!?

After she was finally satisfied with my cunnilingus, she told me to lay down. She kissed my neck and chest and stomach as she worked her way down. I tried my best to relax and let nature take its corse,

Seriously intern, you’re trolling me, right?

I had a decent chub going but not good enough to “ram her brains out” like I promised I would.

I bet she was heartbroken that you couldn’t keep that promise.

She attempted to get me stiffer than a lined up pledge,

Your dick sounds about as useless as a pledge. You’re getting severe whiskey dick even though, by your own admission, you were “buzzed” from some Budweisers you had drunk much earlier in the night.

but nothing seemed to work. I tossed her off me and went on top trying to penetrate and get hard but again I was saying to myself “I don’t find this girl attractive, I want to go to sleep.” I got up and told her I’d be right back. I went into the bathroom and gave my penis a quick pep talk as I, like the saying goes, “beat him like he owed me money.”

Cool story about you jacking off by yourself as a naked chick lay in the other room.

After about 4 minutes I gave up. I went back into my room and found her dressed, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel embarrassed, but at that point I just wanted her to leave. I put my boxers on and walked her to the door, right before she left she looked at me and said, “It’s okay it happens, maybe next time.” I just said yea next time…

How you scored a “next time” is beyond me, especially after you came out of the bathroom all sweaty and sad. It had to have looked like you either did, well, what you did, which was furiously jack off for four minutes, or it looked like you took a monster shit.

I went back into my room and got on the computer trying to forget the miserable actions that just took place. I went on as most losers who can’t get hard at 5 am do

Okay, fair.

and came across the new rush boobs column, I submitted a nice set of tits like 2 weeks before so I was curious to see if it made the cut, sure enough there they were. As I stared at that rack and reminisced on taking the picture and the night that followed after taking the picture I INSTANTLY GOT A BONER. Moral of the story: The penis has a mind of its own…

Yup, the intern is trolling me.

Considering that your penis’ mind didn’t want to hook up with some ugly girl, while your conscious mind, in fact, did, that being the same conscious mind that also wrote this abortion of a column, I’m going to go ahead and assume that your penis’ mind is vastly superior to the one in your head.

But really, please submit more of these, because they entertain me endlessly.


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