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By now we’ve all read the instantly infamous email sent out to the Delta Gammas at the University of Maryland from Rebecca Martinson, who I assume is the greatest social chair and/or Greek Week liaison in the history of sororities. This email was nothing short of amazing. I’m not making fun either; I fucking LOVED it. It reads like it was written by General Patton’s dime piece great-granddaughter. My hat, and I wish my pants, are off to you, Ms. Martinson. In short, this email was impressively aggressive, and incredibly arousing. Talk dirty to me, Rebecca! Tell me if my dick were any skinnier you would’ve mistaken it for that anorexic slut Sarah from the Fall ’11 PC. Threaten to pancake my nutsack if I don’t find your g-spot! Sorry, I’ll swim through the thoughts of Rebecca currently residing in my spank bank, like Scrooge McDuck in his vault of gold, on my own time. For now I’ll just tuck it under my belt and break down this legendary email.
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
Oh you’re Goddamn right it’s going to be a “rough fucking ride.” JESUS THIS IS HOT.
“Rough fucking ride” aside, let’s examine the beginning of the sentence. “If you just opened this like I told you to…” Like she told them to? I like to imagine that, after chugging a bottle of vodka and ripping the heads off any stuffed animals she had in her room, Rebecca fired off this beautifully profane email, which is basically an entire nuclear arsenal of freedom rockets, and slammed her laptop shut (probably shattering the screen). Then she burst out into the hallway screaming, “Listen up you fucking BITCHES! OPEN YOUR EMAILS BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO SHIT SOME TRUTH BOMBS THROUGH YOUR EYES AND INTO YOUR CUNT FUCK RETARD BRAINS!” That happened.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.
Rebecca, their heads weren’t under rocks so much as the rocks were buried into their skulls after you went into a blacked out rage and murdered a handful of girls with the ornamental garden stones on your sorority house’s front lawn. Big difference.
I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING.
And she has killed for LESS!
If you’re reading this right now…
Then you’re lucky to be alive.
…and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Rebecca, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.
Honestly, if I was one of the offending parties I would have punched myself in the face, Vine’d it, and sent it to her to avoid any one-on-one confrontation. Her gracious offer seems like the equivalent of Hitler letting disgraced generals kill themselves instead of facing public execution. Take the pistol and die with dignity, girls.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup.
There is quite a bit of validity in this, and while most people might think her harsh language diminishes the point, I love it.
Newsflash you stupid cocks:
Rebecca, drop out of college and start doing motivational speaking appearances for troubled high schoolers and corporate conferences. You would be a breath of fresh, terrifying air. In your downtime you can work for a BDSM chat room. The possibilities are endless, really.
FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.
To be fair, if the Sigma Nus have met you already, then of course your sisters are going to seem boring by comparison. You’re a solid 9 with the mouth of sailor, some clinical rage issues, and I imagine an awesome drinking problem combined with a ferocious sex drive, though the last two are mostly wishful thinking.
This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded?
They probably are, and that’s actually pretty bitchy of them. Props on calling them out. Extra points for once again being overly profane in the process. I would pay good money to watch you coach a last place fourth grade basketball team. They’d be begging for Mike Rice after twenty minutes.
That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events.
Please write for TSM. Please work in this office. Please marry me. That’s just excellent. You’re like if Lisa Lampanelli and Don Rickles raised a baby that was abandoned by its original, attractive parents.
If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.
VALID! Any Greek Week related homicides Rebecca committed seem pretty justified. I just hope they were quick deaths at least. They probably weren’t. Rebecca seems like the type that likes to watch the light slowly leave her victim’s eyes.
“But Rebecca!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?”
How many breaks did she take to strangle something while writing this? Strangle breaks seem like a normal part of her day. Throats are like her stress ball.
NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO.
To be fair, fucking up while sober is inexcusable. Also I’ve been using the term “ass hat” a lot lately and I like to imagine that Rebecca got it from me. Don’t ruin this for me.
I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP.
Rebecca would have addressed this during the games but she was too busy playing in the various sports. What with all the spiking of second basemen, ACL destroying slide tackles of midfielders, and presumably quite a few low key nut shots in the other sports, she didn’t really have time to make sure her clearly retarded sisters were cheering for the right team.
But really, who cheers for the wrong team? This is especially offensive to Rebecca because, I assume, she is from somewhere on the east coast. That means her idea of fandom is whipping batteries at rival players and punching opposing fans in the face. What are the chances Rebecca has thrown broken bottle at David Wright? Pretty good, I’d suspect.
I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that…
She means that literally, by the way. She has the rage strength to pick a girl up off the ground and drop kick her square in the box. My guess is the tinier ones go at least twenty yards.
Again, Rebecca, your destructive imagery is just beautiful, like an exploding volcano or the satellite view of a superstorm hurricane that’s ravaging a coastline. You are an inspiration to foul-mouthed people everywhere.
…and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
At this point we’ve gone into Les Grossman territory.
“Ohhh Rebecca, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good.
“Why good? Because I don’t eat food or drink water, my sustenance comes from the tears of the weak! LIKE YOU YOU BLEEDING BRAINLESS VAGINAS! I don’t breathe air, I INHALE SOULS! I am a she-demon succubus that crawled up from hell, through magma and fire and brimstone, and I am here on Earth now to accomplish TWO things: 1) Destroy all that is pure and good. 2) To run a successful FUCKING GREEK WEEK MATCHUP FOR DELTA GAMMA AND IF YOU STAND AGAINST ME I WILL RIP OUT YOUR BOX, THROW IT IN AN ALLEY, AND LET THE HOMELESS SLEEP IN IT!”
If the email had continued like that I don’t think anyone would have found it surprising or out of place.
If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.
If this email applies to you, don’t just refrain from attending that event, fucking get out of the country. Change your name. Your old life is over.
I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go.
Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots.
I have literally run out of ways to compliment your language.
If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life,
and with that in mind don’t fucking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter.
Actually, Rebecca, when it’s happening to girls it’s called a “clam dam.” REGARDLESS, let this girl get all the dick she wants! Gentlemen beware, though, this seems like one toothy Sarlacc. Your dongs might get Boba Fett’d pretty badly. I, for one, am willing to take that risk.
Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.
For the love of God do not try her. If by this point in the email you don’t think she’s serious then you are in grave jeopardy of being cunt-punted, punched in the face, and who knows what else. If you think talking to boys is hard sober, try doing it while your sorority sister is beating you to death with a 5-iron.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.
Bravo. Just bravo. This is truly one of the greatest emails I have ever read in my entire life. Congratulations, Rebecca Martinson, you are now a legend. I salute you. If you’re ever in Austin, Texas, there is a steak dinner and however many bottles of wine it takes to either subdue or bring out this side of you, ready and waiting.
I loved this email, and as Hot Piece of TSM said to me, this would be an average Tuesday in her sorority. I can’t say that this email is all that out of line, or abnormal. I have seen girls go absolutely apeshit over skits and floats and missing meetings or what have you. Greek Week is serious business, people. Inside the Mind of a Greek Week Liaison was based in fact!I respect Rebecca Martinson for dropping truth bombs on her sorority instead of real bombs, which seems like a possibility. You know who the real villain is? Whoever leaked this shit. But hey, thanks for the entertainment. This was brilliant.