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Breaking Down The Worst Graduation Advice The Internet Has To Offer

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I’m graduating college in two weeks or so, and I’ve been getting a lot of unsolicited advice on what I need to do after I walk across that stage. It’s been coming from some surprising places, too. I think I’ve narrowed it down to a common thread: the majority of this advice seems to be coming from people who haven’t accomplished anything in their entire lives. They’ve closed one or two deals and maybe raised a kid, but I’m trying to aim a bit higher. This unwanted personal advice, however meh, is biblical wisdom compared to some of the shitty advice for college seniors that’s out there on the internet. Let’s take a look at what some of these genius columns have to offer.


Don’t worry about what to do.

When my friend and former roommate Andrew was getting ready to graduate college, I asked if he was excited about completing his education.

“No,” he said. “My education will never end.”

Andrew was right. You never really leave the classroom. There’s always a new lesson life has to teach you, if you’re willing to listen. So don’t worry too much about what to do. Worry, instead, about who you are becoming.

Worry about who I’m becoming instead of what to do? Gee, what a relief! Only problem is, the person who I’m becoming just might be a homeless one if I’m not a bit concerned about what I’m trying to do. The movies I grew up with taught me that if I leave one shred of my integrity out on the field, then I obviously didn’t put up great numbers. Shouts to my dad for making sure I saw Wall Street, Glengarry Glen Ross, and Predator all before my fifth birthday. That sick bastard.


Don’t settle for a job you’re not passionate about.

A lot of people are pushing college graduates to just get a job to pay the bills and that isn’t the greatest advice because research shows that you won’t last long in such positions.

Furthermore, no smart company is going to have someone who is only there to make money because there’s always someone else who wants it more. When you’re passionate about your job, you’re excited. You work longer hours and end up accomplishing much more. Life is too short to settle for a career that you hate!

I get that having a great job that I love to go to everyday would be ideal, but let’s be a little realistic here. On the day of my graduation, the biggest bullet points on my resume will be as follows:

-Bachelor of Science in frickin’ Writing and Rhetoric Studies.
-President of a fraternity on my campus that rhymes with “Wigma Shoe.”
-Summer intern at a pretty chill media company in 2016.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure some of the fancier McDonald’s locations might turn me down based on that, but luckily I’ve managed to find a good job very close to where I went to school. And you know what? I’m not passionate about the work I do. However, it’s a pretty chill job and it pays the bills, and that’s not a bad place to start.


Enjoy this time of uncertainty.

“Travel, try a new hobby, and just simply relax. As Twitter CEO Dick Costolo advised my graduating class, “Don’t always worry about what your next line is supposed to be and what you’re supposed to do next. There’s no script. Live your life. Be in this moment.”

For a second there, I thought I had mistakenly opened the script of a Disney film instead of an advice column. I was finally able to get all the idealistic hippie nonsense out of my system after four and a half years in college, and this is what you tell me? Uncharacteristically poor showing from the former CEO of Twitter.

So I didn’t learn a goddamn thing from any of this supposed wisdom. Thank God I’m not of those moronic chumps who writes shitty advice columns on the internet.


Image via YouTube

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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