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Budweiser Is Ensuring The First Americans On Mars Can Drink Away Their Martian Sorrows

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When thinking of examples of innovative alcohol, my cheap consumption habits immediately steer me towards boxed wine and canned, pre-mixed drinks. Does this even scratch the surface of true innovation? I highly doubt it, but Budweiser is determined to blow them all out of the water with its newest project: beer brewed on Mars.

As a guy who passed all science courses by the skin of my dick and a few eloquently written emails begging for bonus points, the science behind this endeavor is well beyond the limits of my intelligence. When I think of Budweiser and Mars, all that comes to my pedestrian mind is this commercial that aired during the 2001 Super Bowl.

It’s the big idea, however, that has me excited enough to type this article on a Wednesday morning after being filled to capacity with year-old Keystones and half the Taco Bell menu the night before.

From Fox News:

Budweiser is looking for a way to develop a micro-gravity beer made to be brewed and drunk on Mars.

The plan was unveiled during South by Southwest’s annual Interactive Festival (SXSW) in Austin, Texas this week. According to AdWeek, the brewer is exploring methods for how to deal with the micro-gravity environment on Mars in order to produce a brew that can be imbibed on the planet.

“When you’re in a zero-gravity environment, a beverage with carbonation is going to be an issue,” retired astronaut Clayton Anderson explained to the SXSW panel which also featured Budweiser company executives. The conversation was hosted by “The Martian” actress Kate Mara.

“Through our relentless focus on quality and innovation, Budweiser can today be enjoyed in every corner of the world, but we now believe it is time for the King of Beers to set its sights on its next destination,” Budweiser vice president Ricardo Marques said in a press release announcing the plan.

“When the dream of colonizing Mars becomes a reality, Budweiser will be there to toast the next great step for mankind.”

If NASA had an ounce of decency, they’d be sending the team working on this world-changing innovation a never-ending supply of whatever space version of a Fleshlight they give to astronauts pre-mission, some moon rocks, and maybe a ride or two on the next shuttle.

The ability to recruit people stupid enough to be the first humans on Mars just became much easier with the ability for them to drink away the miserable life of someone living in a barren, oxygen-deprived Martian desert. When you have to link arms just to rub one out without floating away, a beer or ten is necessary.

The word “hero” is tossed around a lot. Quite often it is undeserved and abused. The average bastard strolling down the street will never sniff hero status in his life. But the men and women at Budweiser? Those people are true American heroes.

[via Fox News]

Image via YouTube

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Bogey Wells

Bogey Wells is a Senior Freelance Writer for TFM News and a former summer pledge intern at TFMHQ. His Spotify playlists are pure garbage. Email:

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