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BuzzFeed is, far and away, the most shared thing since herpes hit Detroit. The creator of BuzzFeed was gifted with the ingenuity of a media mogul and a base understanding of human addiction not seen since those CIA agents who thought to invent crack. Every day you are bound to see any number of BuzzFeed listicles in your Facebook and Twitter feeds. It’s not if, or even when, because it’s constant, it’s just “how many?” The answer is a lot.
Because BuzzFeed pushes so much content, they’re bound to cover basically everything there is to cover. If something on the site seems odd or unexpected, it’s not, it was just an inevitability, no matter what it’s about. In that sense, I wasn’t really shocked to see the post I saw today. And in a larger sense, I’m not that grossed out by periods. I’ve had sex with a girl on her period many times. The experiences ranged from pleasantly uneventful to ended with horrific consequences. Actually, that’s pretty much the normal gamut of my sexual experiences, now that I think about it. Despite all of that, I was still totally unprepared to come across the post I saw today on BuzzFeed, wedged between my baseball columns and random political crap that I follow to seem informed but rarely actually read. The post was advocating for women on their period to switch from tampons to…
*gags up a little bit of Torchy’s Tacos*
*pukes in trashcan, calls over intern, pukes on intern, yells at intern for smelling like puke, pukes at the smell of puke, blames intern for making me puke*
In case you don’t know what a moon cup, or as I like to refer to them, a “demon’s goblet,” is, then head over to this site, and try to keep your penis from being softer than it’s ever been. Basically, a moon cup is a little catch-all cup women put up in their business instead of tampons when they’re having their “moons”, as a doctor from the 18th Century might say. That term always makes me giggle.
Are moon cups better than tampons? That’s the point of the BuzzFeed post, though obviously I have no freakin’ idea. The only thing I know about moon cups is that they make for funny jokes (I’ve written many a moon cup joke, it’s a massive GDI accessory) and potentially hilarious hazing, though also a biohazard on par with a radioactive hospital dumpster during a simultaneous outbreak of Ebola and SARS. Can you imagine if you found one of those things in your dishwasher waiting to be cleaned? You’d have to burn your house down, salt the earth beneath it, and find new land.
I mean, yes, I’m aware that tampons are pretty great at absorbing fluids, I had crazy dry mouth after my pledge trainer made me shove like fifteen in there because I always “sounded like a pussy.” Other than that, I don’t know which is better. I don’t want to know. I legitimately don’t care which one a woman uses, either, so long as I’m completely in the dark about it. And I certainly don’t want to be convinced.
“Then don’t read the list you idiot,” says every reader.
Yeah, and I’m not going to look at the TV when a newscaster warns that “the following images may be disturbing,” either. Get real, assholes. It’s partly my fault, but mostly theirs. So thank you, BuzzFeed, for pumping out so much content that you’ve finally gotten to the point where you have to make peppy, GIF fueled lists about how to best catch menstrual blood. Goddammit. Maybe sit the next few plays out, take a vacation, because the image of a Boston Terrier mom and puppy do not belong in the same internet zip code as a fucking moon cup.