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It gives me sick pleasure watching fan bases go through championship droughts that rival only my sex life, the sex lives of those around me (I’m radioactive), and whatever the hell is happening in California (is that drought still a thing?). And while the Browns might still be a few Jimmy Garoppolos and Josh McDanielseseses away from even sniffing the ‘yoffs, the Cavs championship in June and the Indians heading to the fall classic doesn’t sit right with me. I need miserable fan bases like I need Patrice Bergeron to breathe, and yet here we are; everything’s coming up Cleveland.
You can add this to the list of recent Cleveland wins: Charlie Sheen wants to throw out the first pitch at a World Series game.
Wild Thing is warming up for the Indians.
Actor Charlie Sheen, who played the bespectacled Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn in the movie “Major League,” has offered to throw out the ceremonial first pitch before one of this year’s World Series games.
Shortly after Cleveland won the American League pennant on Wednesday in Toronto, fans began posting their wishes on social media to have Sheen — well, Vaughn — be part of the pregame festivities. The World Series opens Tuesday in Cleveland.
Sheen responded to the demand Thursday on Twitter, posting a photo of himself as Vaughn in his Indians uniform and wrote, “Major League continues to be the gift that keeps on giving! if called upon, I’d be honored.”
Anddddddd I’m hard.
I need you to do me a favor. Go to your mattress right now. Lift it up. Push those Maxim Magazines from 2003 aside. Grab all that leftover Bar Mitzvah money. Load up MyBookie.ag and put all your shekels on the Indians. Money line. Run line. All of it. There’s home field advantage, and then there’s crazy Chuck Sheen as Rick Vaughn coming out to “Wild Thing” with those goofy glasses and wackadoo haircut to throw out the first pitch advantage. If Cleveland has any self-awareness, they make this happen.
The Dodgers/Cubs, on the other hand, cannot let this happen. Like at all. Say they don’t feel comfortable with someone with AIDS on the field near their players (don’t @ me, but that shit worked in the 80s). Sign Clu Haywood to their postseason roster. They have to do something to prevent this, or they’re likely headed back home down 0-2 in the series.
Sheen just has to remember this isn’t the California Penal League, so forget about the curveball, Ricky, and give ‘em the heater. And though the fans are clamoring for him, Roger Dorn will not be available to catch the opening pitch; he has yet to solve that oley bullshit.
P.S. — Apparently the Indians (like, the real life ones), have been channeling their inner Major League Indians throughout the playoffs.
Slugger Mike Napoli and second baseman Jason Kipnis constructed a shrine in an empty clubhouse stall between their lockers, just like the one in the movie. In the film, character Pedro Cerrano practices Voodoo and prays to an idol named “Jobu” to help him hit curveballs. Like Cerrano, Napoli and Kipnis have their own “Jobu” and have left gifts, including small bottles of rum and cigars, to keep them out of hitting slumps.
Pray for the NLCS champs..
Image via YouTube