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Chinese Kids Think Your Finals are for Pussies

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Are you sitting in a library right now? Have you been there for a long time? Has your diet been a steady dosage of Adderall, caffeine, and nicotine? Have all your human interactions gone something like this?

Random Person: Is anyone sitting there?


Random Person: Jesus, sorry.

(*Starts to leave*)

You: WAIT! You have an addy?

Random Person: No, do you?


Yeah, well, no one cares. Why? Because you ain’t got SHIT on the Chinese.

You thought you were studying too hard? Well unless you’ve ever needed intravenous medication to keep you from passing out or collapsing due to excessive studying, you have it pretty good compared to these young students at a high school in Xiaogan, central China’s Hubei province. Photos taken late one evening, and posted on popular Chinese site Sina Weibo, show a brightly lit classroom full of students studying National College Entrance Exam, commonly known as “gao kao”. Students appear buried among piles of books, with dozens of IV bags hanging from lines traversing the classroom.

In case you missed it, those Chinese kids are studying for a college entrance exam, i.e. the Chinese SAT. I assume the Chinese SAT is basically a combination of the National Spelling Bee and “The Hunger Games,” except with more dead teenagers.

The National College Entrance Examination, or gao kao, is viewed as a life-and-death turning point in the lives of senior high-school students, as it determines if they can be accepted by into their dream schools and if they can go to college at all, regardless of their previous academic performances in high-school. The test includes three compulsory subjects (Mathematics, Chinese and English), plus a few optional

It wasn’t pictured but just out of frame there was a cadre of armed guards, led by the school’s frightening principal, who was laughing a menacing Chinese laugh and wearing an eye patch.

“You wirr rearn the coursework or YOU WIRR REARN PAIN!”

Here are some more terrifying pictures of Chinese kids plugged into IV’s, memorizing math equations like they’re the combination to a safe holding an antidote to a poison they just swallowed.

Asked about the situation,Mr. Xia, director of Office of Academic Affairs, said the IVs only delivered amino acids to restore students’ health. “The state grants a 10-yuan subsidy for amino acids to each graduating senior that will participate in the gao kao(National College Entrance Exam).

So basically the Chinese government knows that their kids are going to be studying to the point of exhaustion and plans accordingly. There’s no way these Chinese kids retain much sanity or common sense after these insane cram sessions. That actually explains a lot, like why Chinese college exchange students have no sense of basic concepts like “traffic.” I swear if I had a nickel for every time I almost hit a confused Chinese exchange student who wandered into the street I’d have enough nickels to pay a factory full of the kids who failed this test.

So the next time you read some article, see a news story, or hear some dipshit old person complaining about American students abusing medication to study, and then listen to them talk about Chinese test scores, politely request that they take a giant step backwards and FUCK THEIR OWN FACE.

This story, by the way, is the tip of the iceberg. I guarantee Chinese students have been on speed and God knows what else for fucking decades. So good luck on finals! It’s up to you to make sure these little fuckers don’t become our anti-social overlords.

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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