I was recently introduced to BroBible.com’s “Classic Frat Bros” which is a collection of unusually interesting composite photos. These are some of my personal favorites, with descriptions of what I assume these individuals are probably like.
At first glance this photo doesn’t look particularly entertaining, but then you realize this guy’s name is Stinky Finkle, and he is, in fact, the pledge educator. There’s always at least one active that fucks with the pledges during a lineup by trying to get them to laugh so that everyone else involved in the haze session will destroy them. Can you imagine how hard it would be to keep a straight face when your pledge trainer’s name is Stinky Finkle? There is no fucking way I could keep myself from exploding with hyena-like laughter. I’d have Finkle and Einhorn jokes from Ace Ventura running through my head the entire time.
Here we have Psycho Lips. I think it’s fairly obvious that he got his name from doing unsafe amounts of cocaine and talking at a speed that caused his lips to flap in wild fashion. Obviously Psycho Lips is the best choice for president of the fraternity, because he can talk his way out of anything.
On a whim, Vegas Walsh once flew to Vegas at 3:00am on a Wednesday. He proceeded to blow $6,700 of his parents’ money on strippers at The Rhino before getting kicked out of the VIP room for throwing up in a stripper’s mouth. He’s been Vegas Walsh ever since, and he still likes to party.
Freebie is the Head Pledge Educator/Mom, and a passionate Waffle House enthusiast. He hazes balls, wearing his black wig and blaring Metallica’s Greatest Hits, and then heads for Waffle House to inhale 8 pancakes and 12 sausage links doused in syrup. Every time he finishes pile driving a freshman sorostitute he looks her right in the eye and says, “That one was a fucking freebie.”
Elmer used to do landscaping for the fraternity, and every once in a while he’d huff paint in the basement of the house and then run through rush parties naked, screaming “BEWARE THE ONE EYED SERPENT!” Eventually they said fuck it and granted him honorary membership, because they were afraid he’d murder them all if they didn’t.
Nobody knows this guy’s real name, but when he blacks out he throws 12-year-old-esque tantrums about the most insignificant of issues. Tantrum Ross is shitfaced and you just bumped into him and spilled some of his beer? You better fucking run. He might look like a goofy, innocent dweeb, but he will bite your fucking ear off when he’s wasted. Look at those fangs.
Scharf has never been to a party where he didn’t take out his Dick, place it over his wrist, walk up to a girl and say, “Have you seen my wristwatch?”
Matt Brohammer is the biggest nerd his chapter has ever given a bid to. He has made Dean’s List every semester and spends most of his time in the library tutoring sorority girls. What you wouldn’t guess about Matthew is that when he’s done tutoring these girls they usually take him back to their room at the srat castle where he jackhammers them with his 12-inch brohammer. Something about his extremely dorky image and vintage specs give these ladies a feeling of comfort…until they take off his pants and realized they’ve unleashed an untamable beast.