Click on each team’s logo to see their 2013 schedule.
The first weekend of college football is only seven weeks away, which gives us just enough time to quickly preview each of the relevant teams this season. If you’re a fan of North Dakota State, Marshall, Eastern Carolina, or any team in a New England state, then you’ve come to the right place. Actually, I don’t have shit to say about those losers, but I will convince you why you should be watching real college football teams this season. For the first preview, let’s start with the Big Dog, the undisputed top conference (unless you’re Bob Stoops), the SEC.
Most of us cannot relate to Drake’s “started from the bottom” viewpoint, so let’s start at the top and work our way down. There’s no question Alabama is the best team in college football. Winner of three of the last four national titles, owner of this year’s number one ranked recruiting class, employer of possibly the greatest college football coach in history, the Crimson Tide are a true dynasty, and they’ll be the top team in every preseason ranking you see the next several weeks. They return a quarterback, A.J. McCarron, who’s started in two national championship games, and who can bang a Playboy model without his millionaire, pageant-winning girlfriend getting mad. This kid has everything, including the world’s worst birthmark. You’ll also hear a lot about sophomore running back T.J. Yeldon, the next stud back to wear the iconic numbered helmet. Teej put up major numbers last season as a freshman, including five 100-yard games. He’ll double that this year. After games, he and his backfield partner A.J. might double up on some fine Alabama trim. Life is good in Tuscaloosa.
The Bulldogs have arguably as good of a backfield as the Crimson Tide, with Senior QB Aaron Murray and sophomore RB duo Todd Gurley and Keith Marshall. If you remember, the Dawgs were a Brett Favre wiener away beating Alabama in last year’s SEC Championship game. Now that I’ve made every Georgia fan bash himself in the head with his laptop, I’ll tell the rest of you that the Bulldogs won’t be as good this season. They lose nine defensive starters, including two NFL first round linebackers in Jarvis Jones and Alec Ogletree. Shit gets real, real fast for Georgia. They start the season with a trip to Clemson, last year’s number eight total offense, and week two they host South Carolina, a team that in 2012 slaughtered them 35-7. If UGA can get through the Palmetto State unscathed, they might have the stones to win their first SEC title since 2005.
Johnny Manziel. I said before that A.J. McCarron had it all, but would any of you really choose his life over that of Johnny Football? He’s the Heisman winning quarterback of the hottest team in college football, he attends every major sporting event, concert, awards show, you name it, and best of all, every college girl in the country wants a piece of his ass. It could be argued that Johnny Football is the most talked about football player PERIOD, college or pro. I have little doubt that Manziel will not be replicating his historic inaugural season, and you know Nick Saban and the Tide have had September 14th circled on the calendar since last season. Care to join the masses at Kyle Field for the fantastic rematch of last season’s stunner in Tuscaloosa? Plenty of third level seats available on StubHub, starting at only $400. It’s like they’re paying YOU to go!
The Gamecocks lose a lot of talent from last season’s team, but if conventional wisdom is to be believed, Jadeveon Clowney can fill all the voids. If you get rock hard reading about workout numbers like I do, you must read the Clowney bit in this College Football Freaks list. In a nutshell, at 6’6” and 275 pounds, Clowney is faster and more explosive than he was coming out of high school at 238 pounds. His vertical leap is 38”, more than any NBA draft pick at the 2012, 2011 or 2010 combines. Shit.
It says something about the quality of this conference that LSU is the fifth team I’m writing about. It feels like the Tigers have fallen light years behind the Crimson Tide following the 2012 title game loss, but remember that they, too, nearly defeated Alabama last season, and they did beat Texas A&M in College Station. The big question in Baton Rouge will be whether QB Zach Mettenberger can provide a decent Joe Flacco impression, and I don’t mean the unibrow. LSU welcomes former Baltimore Ravens Offensive Coordinator Cam Cameron, who is expected to improve the Tiger’s 94th ranked passing offense. If LSU could ever scrape together an offense that’s half as talented as their defense, they’d win the Mad Hatter another title. How shitty is it that JaMarcus Russell is the best Tigers QB of the Les Miles era?
The Gators are basically LSU East — solid defensive talent, NO OFFENSE. The difference is Florida lost a lot of their defense to the NFL. When QB Jeff Driskel takes the field, the panties of the Florida coeds dry up like the Mojave Desert, even if the humidity is 250% in The Swamp. Are we sure Tim Tebow is out of eligibility?
The Rebs are psyched because they got the number one overall recruit in 2013, DE Robert Nkemdiche. Combined with several other five stars, Ole Miss put together the seventh best recruiting class this year. Ole Miss has an easier schedule this season, and should improve on last year’s 7-6 disappointment. Of course, fans couldn’t care less, because although they may lose the game, they’ve never lost a party. And with gorgeous belles littering The Grove like empty Budweiser AmeriCans after the July Fourth festivities, who can judge their priorities? You’d have to be really gay for football to leave the tailgate early in Oxford. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
James Franklin might be the coolest head coach in college football. He’s on record as saying he evaluates the recruiting talent of his assistants by the talent on their arms (their wives). He says he offers scholarships to players who are still in utero. In two years, the Commodores have turned from perennial peon to SEC contender. They do have a ways to go take the leap to the next level; they’ve still only played in six bowl games ever, and a 39,000 capacity stadium is pretty underwhelming next to the 100k behemoths in nearby Tuscaloosa and Knoxville, but if there is a coach who can make up for these shortcomings, it just might be James Franklin.
Is this the most anonymous team in the SEC? I really know nothing about the Bulldogs, except that Starkville, MS is supposed to be a shithole. I do know that #HailState sprinted to a 7-0 record last season before Alabama beat their asses and they lost five of their last six games, including a New Year’s Day bowl appearance against Northwestern. Can someone associated with Mississippi State please fondle a pre-surg tranny so the media has something to say about this school? All PR is good PR, AMIRIGHT?
The good news here is that the Wildcats have what some call the greatest recruiting class of all time, with five of the top 10 overall recruits. UK has a record six McDonald’s All Americans heading to Lexington this fall, an embarrassment of riches that only John Calipari could lasso together. The bad news is that Kentucky fans have to suffer through a mediocre football season with one of the Stoops brothers as head coach, and it’s not the good one. Fortunately, there’s only six football games between now and Big Blue Madness on October 18th.
Tigers fans are pumped they’re bringing back as HC Gus Malzahn, who coached Cam Newton and the Auburn offense to a national title just three seasons ago. This will be the first year in 40-something where the War Eagle faithful won’t get to roll Toomer’s Corner following a big win. Nearly 85,000 fans turned up to TP the old oak trees one last time before they were chopped down. This is a tremendous aerial photo of that day.
Let’s recap the last year plus of Razorback football, shall we? Their genius coach, who led them to a top-five ranking and a Cotton Bowl blowout win, crashed his motorcycle, leading to this hilarious press conference photo. It was later discovered he had a 20-something slampiece riding bitch, a girl who he paid $25,000 of public money for “waxing his hog.” He was fired, and then Arkansas brought back a former assistant, who turned out to be as broke as that one homeless wino who is always taking naps in the library on campus. The Hogs limp to a 4-8 record. Somehow, Arkansas is able to convince Bret Bielema to leave his cushy job at Wisconsin to do some major repair work in Fayetteville. It’s been quite the rollercoaster the last 18 months for Pig Sooie. Speaking of things I’d like to ride, have you seen Bret Bielema’s 27-year-old wife?
Here’s another school with a new coach, although not the one they wanted. Tennessee rushed Louisville Head Coach Charlie Strong to join the Orange Brotherhood, but instead, had to fill his spot with a Louisville knockoff, former Cincinnati HC Butch Jones. Tennessee will have a new starting QB after Tyler Bray departed and took his strong arm and last name back tat to the NFL draft, where he went undrafted because, as Mel Kiper says, “many NFL teams felt like they couldn’t take on so much douchebaggery from one player” (I’m paraphrasing). Two true freshmen are competing for the open job. Tennessee faces teams this year that finished number 1, 5, and 11 in total defense in 2012. That 1998 championship may as well have been 1598.
Things can’t be any worse in their second season in the SEC, right? These Tigers had a much worse transition to a new conference than did old Big 12 bro Texas A&M. Mizzou went 2-6 in conference play, and 5-7 overall. Head coach Gary Pinkel has been rumored to have a coed mistress (frat), and to have impregnated her (NF). He also got a DUI (supposedly driving to visit this mistress), has gone through a divorce, and it was even reported around last Thanksgiving that he planned to resign. Things weren’t much better for the players, in particular 2012 number one overall recruit Dorial Green-Beckham. The freshman receiver underperformed on the field (395 total yards for 5 TDs), plus had a marijuana arrest mid-season. But hey, Mizzou fans get to buy yellow and black SEC shirts now, and that seems to be what really mattered in Columbia the past 18 months.