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College Football Is Back In All Its Glory, Motherfuckers

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Last night, I watched SEC Network’s “behind the scenes” show about the Mississippi State Bulldogs. I don’t go to Mississippi State. I don’t know one person who goes to Mississippi State. In my 21 years of life, I’ve never met a single person affiliated with Mississippi State. But I was watching it for the second time.

Why? Because it’s college football. And college football is fucking back.

There are a lot of shitty hobbies you can have in life. For example, instead of being passionate about college football, you could be passionate about politics. You could parade around your opinions about policy and election strategy and the month of November could give you a big, presidential boner. But at the end of the day, your contribution to political reform is less than zero.

Not with college football, no. Your college football team needs you. It needs you to get drunk as hell at 10 in the morning for a 7 p.m. game. It needs you to verbally assault other human beings because they are wearing the opponent’s colors. It needs you to be rowdy as fuck in the student section, to the point of making the stadium shake. It needs you to skip class and drive hundreds of miles to watch it play on the road. That’s helping your team. That’s making a difference.

You’re important to your team. You’re important to me. You see, college football is one big, unifying group of dudes who can stop thinking about fucking girls for three hours and watch grown-ass 18-year-olds beat the shit out of each other in the name of sports. I don’t care who you are or where you’re from, but when my team returns a kickoff for 108 yards to grab a double-digit lead, I’m giving you a big ol’ bear hug. We did it. We made that score possible.

College football is a beautiful reminder of why your student fees are atrociously high in comparison to Johnny English Major at that tiny liberal arts school in New Hampshire. Because it’s worth it on game day. It gives you a reason to love. It gives you a reason to hate.

Take a second and watch my favorite video of all time. If it doesn’t it make the hair stand up on your arms, you’re a strange fucking human.

College football determines where you apply. Sure, you can go to that small Division II school and have a great time, but Saturdays in the fall just aren’t the same as your buddy’s, who goes to Alabama.

Tonight, it starts again. Tonight, I have a legitimate reason not to do anything at all. Tonight, I have a reason to put $50 on the Gamecocks and further contribute to my crippling gambling addiction.

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