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Your College’s President Probably Makes Way More Money Than You Ever Will

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college president money

Back when I was in college, I remember going through my school email and ignoring most of my inbox. Junk, junk, cease and desist letter, junk, junk, People Magazine asking me if I wanted to be their sexiest man alive, junk, bill… the usual. But one day, I got an email from the bursar’s office saying that they were raising tuition for the next year. Oh, how nice of them to have the courtesy to let me know they were gonna bend me over and fuck me without buying dinner first. Well, I suppose they were doing that to my dad and not me, but you get the picture.

They even gave a little explanation as to why tuition was rising: “The president of the university has requested a raise in salary.” Really? This dense, already-overpaid motherfucker had the nerve to go to the board of directors and be like, “Yo give me more money for doing nothing,” and the board of directors said, “Sure, lmao why not?” I wish my job worked like that to where I could just ask for a raise and get it; instead, when I ask for a raise at my high-profile investment firm, my boss says, “Who are you,” and, “You don’t work here,” and, “Leave now or we’re calling security.”

Apparently, college presidents making absolute bank is nothing new. It’s actually common, and a growing trend.

From Bloomberg:

Average total compensation for school heads serving the full year was $569,932, up 9 percent from 2014’s average. The data were drawn from federal tax filings for 500 private, nonprofit schools.

Bloomberg also said the number of college heads making over seven goddamn figures DOUBLED in the last year. Let’s put those numbers in perspective — the minimum salary for first-year players out of the NFL draft is just under $500,000. The salary of the president of the United States is about $400,000. These so-called heads of higher education are making more than the head of the goddamn country. That makes college presidents the second highest-paid cucks in America after Roger Goodell.

The stock of college presidents is rising. I’m gonna pull a Jim Kramer from Mad Money and tell you to change your investments from BTC to goddamn college presidents. I don’t know how money works — maybe that’s why I’m in debt from a failed takeover of my local brewery — but if my calculations are correct, invest in college heads and you can retire at 30.

[via Bloomberg]

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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