======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
*A guy and girl are lounging around in a fraternity house bedroom on a Friday afternoon, watching Netflix*
Guy: So what are you doing tonight?
Girl: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. You know how Ashley hooked up with that guy from the football team? The guy who kicks?
Guy: The kicker.
Girl: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, the football team is having a big house party tonight and he said she should come and bring friends. A bunch of us are going.
[Images of his girlfriend orgasming and the team’s giant defensive linemen flexing and celebrating after sacks flash back and forth in his head]
Guy: Who are you going with, again?
Girl: Ashley. And some of the other girls. Why?
[Guy remembers how he and his girlfriend first got together]
*A party from a few months ago*
[Guy and Girl are both a little tipsy, hanging out, and talking. Ashley stumbles over, hammered.]
Ashely: You two should FUUUUUUUUCKKKK! Do it! Doooooo it! Fucking ride his dumb dick through the floorboards.
Guy: Yeah this sounds kinda sketchy…
Girl: [annoyed] How is it sketchy?
Guy: I don’t know I just feel like football parties are sketch.
Guy: I mean… I just think they’ll try to hook up with you.
Girl: What? You’re afraid I’m going to cheat on you?
Guy: No… no. I just, I don’t know, I feel like football players try to bang like every girl that comes to their parties… or… I don’t know.
Girl: You realize you’re in a fraternity that, since we’ve been dating, has thrown four parties with the word “hoe” in the title–
Guy: One of those was in reference to farming.
Girl: Regardless. And do you not remember you at your last party?
*Last week’s party*
[Guy sees one of his friends making out with some girl]
Guy: [shitfaced, chanting] SUCK-HIS-DICK! SUCK-HIS-DICK! SUCK-HIS-DICK!
Entire Rest Of Party: [joining in] SUCK-HIS-DICK! SUCK-HIS-DICK!
Guy: That is news to me, actually, but fine, fine. I get it.
Girl: I can’t fucking believe you thought I’d cheat on you.
Guy: Well I don’t know, you’d probably be a little suspicious if I was going to a party full of cheerleaders.
Girl: [laughing] No. No I wouldn’t.
Guy: Oh, yeah? That’s funny? Cuz I couldn’t ever fuck a cheerleader? You know what else is funny? The dumb look that’s about to come over your face when I tell you that Mike invited a bunch of Tri Gammas over to pregame, and like three of them are, in fact, cheerleaders. And I will, in fact, be pregaming with them.
Girl: Oh wowwww. You’re so fucking cool. Gonna drink with some Tri Gam cheerleaders? Can I just have your penis right now? Will you grace me with the presence of your Tri Gam worthy cock? Am I that lucky? Or are you resting it for all the cheerleaders you’re about to run it through? I can’t get an appointment in today? Booked full? Of Tri Gam pussy?
Guy: Ohhhhh my God I was just saying…
Girl: [bitter] But yeah, have fun with them. If you wanna cheat on me with a slut.
Guy: I mean, obviously I would cheat on you with a slut.
Girl: WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Girl: So you wanna fuck sluts!?!
Guy: No! I’m just saying obviously, logically, if I were to cheat on you with anyone it’s not gonna be some chick I picked up at the local Mormon church.
Girl: I’m glad you fucking think about this so much.
Guy: I don’t think about it. I don’t need to think about that. That’s just what makes sense. If anyone’s gonna pull me into the single bathroom at Breaker’s on dollar shot night and blow me it’s gonna be a kinda slutty girl.
Girl: HOW MUCH HAVE YOU THOUGHT THIS OUT!?!?!
Guy: IT WAS JUST AN EXAMPLE!
Girl: IT WAS A REALLY VIVID EXAMPLE! Are you planning this?
Guy: Getting a beej at Breaker’s isn’t really something you plan…
Girl: So the next time you’re at Breaker’s you’re just gonna spin the wheel and hope it lands on bathroom blow job, yeah?
Guy: What wheel? No. You’re overthinking this. I was just saying — ugh never mind. I’m not gonna cheat on you, you’re not gonna cheat on me. We’re cool. I’m sorry for starting all this.
Girl: Okay… okay. [a beat] So where are you guys gonna go tonight?
Guy: Uh… Breaker’s, probably, actually.
Girl: WHAT THE FUCK!
Girl: You just spent the last five minutes talking about how you wanna fuck some slutty girls and if it happened it’d happen at Breaker’s and now you’re literally gonna go to that bar with a bunch of slutty girls!
Guy: I probably just used that example because I was thinking about those things.
Girl: GREAT! I’m glad BANGING SLUTS is what’s on your mind!
Guy: YOU’RE GOING TO A FUCKING FOOTBALL PARTY! WE’VE ALL SEEN THE SNAPCHAT OF THE ENTIRE SECONDARY SITTING ON THE SAME COUCH GETTING BLOWN AT THE SAME TIME BY A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT GIRLS! WE’VE ALLLLLLLLLL SEEN IT! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A GUEST IN THE HOME OF PEOPLE WHO ENJOY MASS FELLATIO!
[The Guy and Girl stare at each other for a moment, pissed off and collecting their thoughts]
Girl: So what should we do? I feel like this fight raised some real issues. Should we maybe take a break from this relationship, go to our respective parties, and have whatever fun we feel like having?
Guy: [nobly] No. No let’s ignore every obvious sign, take a pass on the fun things we were invited to, and pour more time and energy into this waste of our late teens/early 20s.
Girl: [tearful, happy] I agree. Let’s stay in and watch episodes of “The Office” that we’ve already seen.
Guy: That sounds really nice.