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College Student Poisons Roommate After Losing Postcard Design Competition

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There is nothing funny about poisoning somebody. It’s a cowardly way of getting back at an unsuspecting person. It’s biological warfare, in a sense. You’re actually violating the Geneva Convention if you do it, you dick. That means if I see you do it, I’m forced to make a citizen’s arrest. That would suck for you, because after zip tying your hands I’d stick you in the back of my Miata to transport you to the police station, and there are more Filet-O-Fish wrappers back there than in Michael Scott’s whole car. You’d come out smelling like San Diego. And by that, I of course mean a whale’s vagina.

Poisoning is not an inherently funny action, but in this case it’s pretty hilarious.

The victim, who has chosen to use the alias of “Wang,” was a female student at a university in eastern China’s Zhejiang Province, who lived in the school dormitories.

Any girl who elects to go by the alias of “Wang” is all right in my book. I’m already on her side. And, oh yeah, cue penis puns for the rest of this piece.

Wang left the campus to visit her hometown over the university’s term break in May, and upon returning to her dormitory room, noticed a strangely aromatic smell coming from some white sugar and uncooked rice noodles that she had left behind before her departure. Suspecting that they could be contaminated, Wang sent the food for analysis.

Now before you think that’s a drastic overreaction from Wang, there had been two roommate poisoning cases in China before this one. She wasn’t taking any chances. Wang was just using protection.

However, before Wang could obtain the results of the analysis, her roommate, whom she only referred to as Zhou, suddenly confessed to her that she had mixed some pet food into Wang’s sugar and noodles. Reasoning to herself pet food was still somewhat edible, Wang passed off the whole incident as a harmless prank.

Oh, Zhou. Always joking. She’s such a kidder. She was just ribbing Wang, if you will. It was all just a harmless prank. But wait… didn’t Wang send in the food for analysis?

However, Wang was shocked when the results of the analysis showed that what Zhou had added was in fact an industrial fattening hormone.

Zhou, you fucking liar. Wang definitely got shafted in the whole roommate department. An industrial fattening hormone? Zhou was trying to make Wang go full chub. That’s a pretty dick move, Zhou. Wang claims you guys had always been buddy-buddy. Why would you do something like this?

Zhou claims she has a mental disorder, but I have my suspicions that the motive lies elsewhere.

The only conflict that ever took place between them occurred over a provincial-level postcard design competition last year, Wang recalled. Wang and Zhou had submitted similar designs, but while Wang won an award, Zhou only received a consolation prize.

Damnit, Zhou. I know girls are pretty passionate about their crafting, but poisoning Wang for designing a better postcard is outright overkill. If you were jealous of Wang, you should’ve just feigned being happy for her and secretly resented her behind her back like a normal girl.

There’s a vas deferens between having a mental disorder and just being batshit crazy.

[via The Epoch Times]


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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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