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The dorms aren’t an ideal living situation, but you do what you can to get by. Naturally, putting a bunch of young people in such close quarters is going to result in a lot of sloppy dorm sex. Vice sat down with a bunch of college students who didn’t get laid nearly as much as me and asked them about the finer points of knocking boots in the dorms.
Are you a voyeurist?
I think. Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t want to have public sex or anything, but I’ll leave the door open a crack, or, you know, just talk about sex kind of openly. It’s not an obnoxious thing, although I know it can come off that way.
I’m right there with you, except that I was more of the guy that would leave the door wide open while making eye contact with passersby. Don’t knock it.
Do you think there are any rules people should follow when it comes to etiquette for sex in residence?
Noise. That’s definitely the biggest thing. In [that building] especially, sound travels like you wouldn’t believe. By the end of the year, everyone knows your business, and everyone has heard who you’ve slept with.
Consider this a wholehearted disagreement from ya boy. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, and that includes publicity in the form of screaming and animal noises.
What’s the most fucked-up sex you heard about/saw in residence?
Sex in laundry rooms. We used to always have to check behind closed doors to make sure students weren’t in there getting it on or smoking or whatever. I luckily never witnessed it myself, but I’ve heard all the horror stories of RAs walking in to find students pants down and ready to go. I guess their beds were too far away? Apparently students would also pee in the washers, which is absolutely disgusting.
By the end of my year in the dorms, I couldn’t get off unless an RA was yelling at me and knocking on the laundry room door, behind which I was lighting up some of that sweet, sweet kush. Peeing in the washers is fucked up, though. Only an animal would do that.
You had a year-long relationship with a roommate in your four-person dorm apartment. Tell me about this, please.
Yeah, when we moved in, we were kind of flirty with each other. He was really my type—tan, has that light South American accent, funny. We ended up banging, kind of idiotically, a few days into frosh, and we fell in love for a bit.
If I woke up one day to find out that I had messed up badly enough to get into a relationship with someone I was living with in a four-person dorm, I would find the quickest, most spectacular way to off myself.
Describe dorm room sex to me in one sentence.
Um, lots of moans in a place that looks like prison.
That just sounds like me when I was in prison.
Nice. What’s the most embarrassing sexual experience you had in residence?
I actually got walked in on while I was getting head.
Oh, right, soooo embarrassing. Yeah, uh, I was totally getting some action, but then someone walked in on me. Way to pat yourself on the back, bud. I’m sure the most embarrassing moment you had in high school was when you scored the game-winning touchdown in the state championship, but then tripped and fell in the end zone..
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