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Like most of the readers of this site, I am a proud American. We’re the best at just about everything that matters: freedom, beer, movies, sports–you name it. In fact, we’re just a few days away from, once again, asserting our dominance over
the world other athletes in the Winter Olympic Games.
As in any form of competition, the best needs a rival–someone tough enough to keep things interesting, but easy for everyone to hate. For the United States, of course, that’s Russia. Since the Cold War, we’ve gone toe-to-toe with those commie bastards in everything from hockey to landing a man on the moon. More often than not, we came out on top.
All signs point toward this trend continuing in Sochi this month. Four years ago in Vancouver, we won more medals than anyone else, bringing home 37. Russia was way back in sixth place with a mere 15. I’m no winter sports expert, but I doubt the Kremlin is capable of turning their Olympic program around that far, that fast. Hell, they can’t even get their own city ready to host the thing.
Sochi, if you haven’t caught on yet, is in Russia on the coast of the Black Sea. It covers about 3,500 square miles and has a population of a little more than 340,000. As if this city was dreamt up in a “Talladega Nights” joke, Sochi is also apparently overrun with stray dogs, which organizers plan to round up and exterminate. Presumably, that includes puppies. Real nice, Russia, building your Olympic paradise on the bones of puppies. Sick bastards. Sochi is also lacking in clean water, and may or may not be a target for terrorism.
It’s pretty obvious that this place is a dump. When you host the Olympics, one would think you’d at least try to clean up the streets and put the high-profile foreign guests in nice rooms. You’d be wrong. Check out this athlete room in Olympic Village. It makes the lousiest college dorm I’ve ever seen look like a luxury flat. Some of the best athletes in the world are visiting your country for an extended period of time, and you give them tiny beds (probably complete with roach-infested mattresses), nightstands possibly made out of cardboard boxes, and dingy lamps. Are light bulbs included, or do the athletes have to bring their own? Word on the street is they’re a hot commodity in Sochi.
If you think the athlete quarters are bad, wait until you see what the journalists get. The tweets have been rolling in, and man, do they make me glad I didn’t apply for creds to cover this thing.
— Harry Reekie (@HarryCNN) February 4, 2014
My hotel has no water. If restored, the front desk says, “do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous.” #Sochi2014
— Stacy St. Clair (@StacyStClair) February 4, 2014
People have asked me what surprised me the most here in Sochi. It’s this. Without question … it’s … THIS. pic.twitter.com/1jj05FNdCP
— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) February 4, 2014
I’m at a loss for words. They’re literally discouraging people from flushing their toilet paper. Kids, this is what long-term socialist policies will do to to a place.
I covered a BCS bowl last season for a college newspaper (small potatoes compared to the Olympic Freakin’ Games) and they put us in an awesome five-star resort, hooked us up with free Ray-Bans, took us golfing on a course so nice I had no business playing there, fed us gourmet food three times a day, and had an open bar stocked with top-shelf liquor every night.
The funniest part of this whole situation is that, despite all the evidence to the contrary, Russia’s trying really hard. They’ve poured an estimated $51 billion into this project, which is reportedly more than every past Winter Olympics combined. Vladimir Putin wanted these games to showcase “a new Russia,” but, as he’s finding out, some things never change. Russia is, and always will be, bottom-tier. Simple as that.
I’m really looking forward to the opening ceremonies on Friday. With the way everything else has gone, it’s bound to be a shitshow. There’s nothing like kicking back on the couch, crackin’ open a cold one, and watching Russia screw something up. It’s an American tradition.