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Condoms Are Unsafe, Kill Unsuspecting Man In Germany

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I’ve been saying it for years: Condoms are not only unnatural and immoral, they’re downright dangerous. Not to mention, when a girl asks you to throw on a rubber, she’s essentially saying that you’re an untrustworthy, disease-ridden scumbag that she still wants inside of her in the least enjoyable way possible.

Yeah sure, let’s exert the same amount of energy as natural, bareback penetration — the way the lord intended — but take away all the pleasurable aspects of sex, make it more of a calisthenic exercise, and eventually give up unsatisfied after 30 minutes of paddling up a dried-up river with a sloped-over pool noodle wrapped in an airtight balloon.

Condoms suck, and if you’re about the jimmy life, you’re probably as adventurous as a homeschooled midwesterner who sat out zip-lining the exotic landscape of the “Silver Dollar City,” Branson, Missouri, during family vacation because it was “too much.” That’s why this story out of Schöppingen, Germany makes zero sense to me.

A 29-year-old Kraut died after suffering a serious head injury caused by the devil’s dick bags.

From The Guardian:

A man died on Christmas Day in Germany after he was hit in the head by a flying piece of metal from a condom machine that he and two accomplices blew up in an apparent robbery attempt, police said on Monday.

The 29-year-old man was taken to hospital in the western town of Schöppingen, near the Dutch border, by the two other men who fled the scene of the explosion in a car, leaving behind condoms and money scattered around the gutted vending machine.

Alright, so the dude took a hunk of metal to the dome after attempting to blow up and rob a condom dispensary machine. Tomato, tamato. Still, this brings about many unanswered questions since I can’t imagine these things are flushed with cash. Were these miscreants actually trying to stockpile on love gloves? Because this is not the act of typical “condom guys.” A condom guy would never blow anything to kingdom come. A condom guy buys the 36 bulk pack and tosses away the entire unsealed package after they expire and a time never called for one of those soldiers to do battle. A condom guy always plays it safe.

So does Germany have some type of shortage on dick hats that I’m unaware of and are German women the most prude on the planet? Or, were they just going to have themselves a holiday and use them on each other? You know how free spirited those Europeans can be.

I’m just over here asking the important questions that others are afraid to ask. We need answers.

[via The Guardian]

Image via Youtube

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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