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It’s easier said than done, I get that. In a lot of ways, we’re all a little too young to be in any sort of serious relationship, even if its legitimacy exists more in our own heads than in reality. But every once in a while your Patrick Bateman exterior gives way to a strange sensation you never thought you’d experience: feelings. It happens to all of us. That one girl, that particular situation — it’s just different. Sure, you’ve probably been with women just as hot, fun, intelligent, and easy to get along with, but this one just has the total package. Though obviously you realize at a later date this was a total mirage, at some point you truly believe it. And, though this can thaw the ice that consumes most of our chest cavities, there can be some not-so-heartwarming side effects as well.
My junior year we were having a themed party at the house I can’t really mention in specifics without risking my identity, but let’s just say the party was incendiary to the PC crowd and caused a bit of a problem. We had assembled the four cornerstones of any successful fraternity party: alcohol, assorted other substances, impossibly hot women that would have little interest in most of us outside of our imagined Greek society, and a theme that required them to wear little clothing. Yet our oasis of juvenile happiness had been repeatedly interrupted by a door-knocking psychopath from another fraternity hellbent on making a complete ass of himself to get to his girlfriend inside. We knew him — a nice enough guy — so some of us attempted to calm him down and get him to leave our property without making an ass of himself to his girlfriend and the hundred or so people inside. RFM.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t be reasoned with. He had just had a fight with his girlfriend, who chose to blow off steam by going to our party with a few girls from her house. She hadn’t done anything with any of us (to the best of our knowledge), but still he’s primed to go full OJ on our front steps. I can only imagine the repeated calls, texts, threatening messages, and passive aggressive rhetoric the angry insecure fuck showered her with that night, all because she went to a party at a house that wasn’t his.
But we all know this shit happens. How many times has an ex gotten a new boyfriend and blocked you on social media? Girls you’ve known for years vanish when in a relationship, outwardly avoiding you at the local watering hole while the fucking PIKE she’s banging gives you a death stare. Erasing numbers, blocking people… Shit, I knew a kid that wouldn’t let his girl have Instagram. I’m serious. I realize the advancement of technology has made cheating easier than ever — a happy coincidence for us single sex addicts, but perilous for the self-conscious serial monogamist — but come on, guys. Have some fucking respect for yourselves.
If your girl wants to fuck another guy, and she’s hot, she can do it basically whenever the fuck she wants no matter how many parties you force her to miss out on. If she wants to suck off a football player, she can do it whether or not you control her privacy settings on Facebook. If she wants to leave you, she will, even if you isolate her from her friends and other frat guys like she’s the fucking North Korea of the Greek system. That’s just life. You’re not going to marry your college girlfriend unless you’re a Romney or something. You won’t be together after a few months or a year, nor will you remember much of anything from your time together. Someday you’ll be in a meaningful relationship that makes your past “love” look as legitimate as a Rolex in Chinatown.
So when you do look back on your college years, your youth with women and the experiences you’ve had, try not to make them cringeworthy due to your own insecurity. If you want to idiotically take the plunge of commitment (or what we claim it to be) before you’re old enough to legally buy beer, be my guest. But understand it will not work, you’ll regret not having your freedom during the last unrivaled bastion of your irresponsible youth, and no matter how much you humiliate yourself by being a controlling fuck, she’s still going to do whatever she wants if she so pleases. If you don’t believe she cares enough about you not to suck other dicks, she’s not worth wasting your collegiate freedom over. Like a bad fart, forget you smelled it, and move the fuck on..