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There are some things you just don’t do. If the room’s a-rocking you don’t come a-knocking, you don’t mess around with Jim, and you certainly don’t get a fucking championship tattoo before the postseason even starts. Someone should have told this idiot Cubs fan that before he decided to jump the gun on this whole “first title in 108 years” thing.
Here’s a video of the lead up to his crime.
According to Sports Illustrated, our guy Noel got the ink for free by being a “Cubs Superfan” or something equally depressing. In the video, he shares wisdom like “You’re a Cubs fan, you have to be optimistic” and “statistically this is the best year they’ve had since 1945.” Since he’s coming to us from Des Moines, IA, I can only assume that some sort of corn parasite has crept into his brain which completely scrambled what “Cubs fan” means. We’re a group of people based on crippling depression and we’re constantly waiting for hockey season. Clearly the way 1460 KXnO gauges fanhood is inherently flawed. They should have been patrolling dive bars for guys who still want to shank Dusty Baker if they wanted a real fan.
Getting a tattoo proclaiming the curse is over, for a sports fan, is practically akin to trotting around a billy goat into a room full of black cats while Moises Alou cries in the corner while Steve Bartman bangs his wife. Anyone who’s a fan of the Denver Broncos or Kentucky Wildcats will attest to that. All you’re really doing with this, Noel, is adding more pressure on a group of people that just want to catch a break. The ’85 Bears and Jordan Bulls didn’t even alleviate the misery that accompanies this fanbase. Do you really think being the guy who gets a permanent addition to your body that prematurely announces a championship before the playoffs even start is a good move in this situation? It is not, Noel, and if things go south you’ll be forced to hide in Venezuela with Alex Gonzalez. For all the talks of the Friendly Confines, we are not a forgiving people.
Regardless of your team affiliation or sport of choice, never be this guy. I get that sometimes everything is coming up roses. Still, these are sports we’re talking about. The slightest mistake or incident could turn things from “Hell yeah!” to “Why God?” in a matter of minutes. When you’re the over confident jerkoff who thought a “World Champs Fuck Yeah!” tat on your calf was a good move, you represent the fans as a whole.
Just know that if this team collapses, Doofus Kowalski will bear the brunt of our wrath. It won’t be Joe-Mad’s obsession with bunting, Jason Heyward’s rampant inconsistency, or Trevor Cahill deciding to forget how to relieve. It will be your decision to whip it out ahead of time that could cost us this season. Right now, you’re on the shit list buddy. Better start packing, because this is baseball and crazier things have happened. Go Cubs, but screw you Noel..