You’ve done the unthinkable: decided to settle down with one girl even though you’re still in college and have deluded yourself into thinking that you had a realistic chance with 90% of the girls in the hottest sorority on campus. Almost immediately, you’re blindsided by the benefits. Your room is too gross for her, so she cleans it. When you go to her house, she makes real food that you get to eat instead of your usual meal of leftover pizza. The amount of sex you have has at least doubled, and she’s comfortable enough with you now to do the things she “only does for boyfriends.”
Despite all of the obvious advantages of having a college girlfriend, you’re also fixated on the downsides. Tears. Lots of tears. Sacred rituals like drinking with the boys now has a solid chance of turning into date night. But most of all, the tears. What is it about us girls needing guys the most during situations in which they clearly don’t know how to handle us (bawling in the bathroom during parties, mostly)? I don’t know. But it only needs to happen one time before you’re staring at the ground wondering if her exceptional BJ skills are worth all the drama.
Other downsides include her friends. You used to be okay with hot girls who won’t shut the fuck up for one minute, but, now that they’re off limits, nothing can distract you from how fucking annoying they are. Or how about her best friend, Jessica, who is somehow uglier than she is fat but also fatter than she is ugly? Well, Jessica wants your roommate’s dick, and somehow you’re the asshole when you can’t make that happen.
All of these are good reasons to break it off, or at least weigh your options. The only “red flag” you shouldn’t consider, however, is if she has a guy best friend. The entire time you’ve bitched about your girl being crazy for not trusting your female best friend that you would fuck immediately should she ever let you, you’ve also been secretly pissed about her best friend and how he’s a dude. A tall dude. A tall dude that is on the football team and clearly does well with girls himself. Your first instinct is probably to hate this guy, but you should actually be thanking him.
Sure, your blood might boil when you see pictures of her sitting on his shoulders at a concert you didn’t want to go to, but this guy is your fucking lifeline. Every time your girlfriend asks her female friends if she should freak out that you took longer than 20 minutes to respond to her text, they validate her craziness. According to them, not only does she have “every right” to say something about it, but fucking Jessica is also telling her to withhold sex until you get into the habit of texting her back within two minutes every time. Guy bestie, however, has your back. He tells her that if his girlfriend did that, he would think she’s fucking insane; he convinces her to calm down.
This man — this glorious man — has done more for your relationship than your daddy’s credit card. She isn’t crying and asking why your Snap Map is set to ghost mode because he’s told her it’s probably to keep other girls from trying to hit you up. The only reason she’s cool with your degenerate friends is because his favorite joke is to fart on her, therefore desensitizing her from all males’ grossness. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll sit her down and even tell her she needs to end her friendship with Jessica. Maybe he’ll even date Jessica, but then again he’s a good guy, not a saint.
At the end of the day, this is someone who sits and listens to all of your girl’s problems, most of them regarding you, and is her emotional crutch. God bless this man. All you have to do is try not to think about them banging, not be an asshole all the time, buy her some flowers, and thank God that you’re the only one seeing her naked..