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I just created a new game: Third World Political Revolution or American Sports Victory? The game is simple. A host shows pictures of massive, fiery riots, and the contestants have to guess whether an oppressed people are fighting and dying for their basic human freedoms that have been denied to them by a despotic and corrupt government, or if a bunch of drunk Americans are celebrating a sports victory by running around and breaking shit. This weekend’s basketball riots in Dayton would have been a toughie.
For the first time since 1984, the Dayton Flyers are in the Sweet Sixteen. As a result, the Dayton students reacted accordingly after their upset victory against no. 3 seed Syracuse (see: getting drunk, running around, breaking shit). The pictures from the celebr-iots certainly make it seem like Dayton was one of the best places to party this weekend. I also like to think the Dayton students were vindicating my decision to put them in the Sweet Sixteen of my “Which Schools I’d Rather Rage At” bracket. Well done, ladies and gentlemen of the University of Dayton.
Here’s a video of the burning couch, which required the fire department’s talents in extinguishing it.
I respect the classic couch-burning move. However, I always wonder when I see or hear about a burning couch which kid is like, “Fuck yeah! My school won! I NEED TWO MOTHERFUCKERS TO COME BACK WITH ME TO MY LIVING ROOM RIGHT NOW! WE’RE BURNING EVERYTHING I SIT ON!” Or maybe strangers just bust into the nearest home and tell whoever lives there, “Get up, Dayton won, you live closest to the celebratory riots, you must sacrifice your couch,” to which the poor bastard who’s about to lose his couch shrugs and says, “Of course! I respect the code of the college sports riot,” and willingly gives it up. I’m legitimately more interested in how people get to the point where it’s time to burn a couch than I am in the couch actually burning. I don’t want to be anywhere near some college kid’s couch when it’s on fire, inhaling all the pee, bile, and semen that giant, ragged, human excrement sponge has absorbed. It would be like ripping a bong packed with old Sperrys and jizz rags.
Another cool moment from the riot was when the president of the University of Dayton, Dan Curran, crowd surfed the riot while students chanted “Dan, Dan, Dan!”
President Curran, carried down Kiefaber as students shout "Dan! Dan! Dan!" pic.twitter.com/ZGmHw36dkj
— William Garbe (@wgarbe) March 23, 2014
Dayton wins the weekend.
The Dayton Flyers face the Stanford Cardinal next, who, from what I can tell, didn’t break anything after upsetting no. 2 seed Kansas. Buncha nerds. Should’ve had Dayton in the Raging Elite Eight.