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Dear NFL Referees: Get It Together

I am so sick of hearing about these unions. I’m sick of hearing about all their “collective bargaining rights” and “First Amendment guarantees of Freedom of Assembly” and all that other liberal mumbo-jumbo. I’m sick of hearing about their members running around in circles, pants at their ankles, crying “Little Jimmy can’t eat! Little Jimmy doesn’t have running hot water or indoor plumbing! All Little Jimmy gets for Christmas is a cigar burn and some Robitussin to help him walk it off!”

And who are the newest Johnny-come-latelies to take a seat on the broken-down, under-funded express known as the Big Union Bandwagon? The most frivolous union ever assembled, colloquially known as the NFL Referee Association, that’s who.

I’m sorry, Mr. NFL Referee, is a yearly salary of $25,000-70,000 not good enough for you? Maybe if you idiots were a bit smarter, you would have had the foresight to be born into a family that had the means to transport its weekly trash to the curb via a private helicopter like I did. Sorry for my infant ass not being pampered with crystal meth in lieu of Amouage Gold baby powder. I MATTER, DAMMIT.

Thanks to you, there’s a very real possibility that football fans across the nation will have to deal with this in Week One. Yeah, that’s going to go just swimmingly.

Seriously, have you ever watched the Detroit Lions defense take the field, you greedy pricks? If you thought Ndamukong Suh’s stomp was vicious last year, what do you think is going to happen when the only thing standing between the Suhnami’s Size 16 and the crushed larynx of a defenseless lineman is a 150-pound scab with a GED?

YOU ARE JEOPARDIZING PEOPLES’ LIVES!

So, to all the refs out there who plan on staying at home and sitting on a couch next week, eating the contents from ketchup packets and watching Bridget Jones’ Diary, all I have to say is this:get your no-good swindling selves back on the field before Colt McCoy gets decapitated again by a 307-pound freight train.

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Follow me on Twitter @JParksTFM

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