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Dear White Dudes, Please Stop Dancing

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I’m usually not the type of person to get racial. As a matter of fact, when I talk about that movie Black Hawk Down I just call it “Hawk Down.” As a human race, we still have a lot progress to make in terms of racism and bigotry overall in our society. We as people need to really rise up and fight against the systematic oppression that holds certain groups of people back, and remember to love each other.

Because I’m so passionate about racism and all of the issues it causes in our country, I don’t like to make shallow and offensive assumptions about anyone, or promote any racial or ethnic stereotypes. But today I have to. Some racial issues are so gigantic that sometimes I feel the need to step in and openly criticize a group so they know they need to change. It’s about the greater good. It’s not out of bitterness or hatred; it’s about helping the world (or in this particular case, SAVING the world).

So with all that being said, here is my public service announcement: White dudes need to stop dancing.

There’s no joke here. There’s no wacky punchline on the way. I’ve never been more dead serious about something in my whole entire life. White dudes, if you’re in public and at least one person is looking in your general direction, DO NOT DANCE. At all. Period. End of story. I don’t care how drunk or high you are. I don’t care how much you love the song, how good your mood is, or how much fun you’re having — don’t do it. This especially applies at concerts.

I was recently seeing Kanye West live on his “Saint Pablo” tour (yes, I love Kanye – bite my ass). I was having a great time. He did some classics (“Runaway”, “Jesus Walks”) and some recent hits (“Waves”, “Famous”), and it was a phenomenal show. But I tried to focus only on my main man Yeezus Christ standing on the stage. I didn’t look at the rest of the crowd. Because every now and then, when I did look at certain parts of the crowd, I saw white dudes dancing. And it was fucking horrific. I’ve seen this at every concert I’ve ever seen. These images constantly give me cold sweats and Vietnam flashbacks.

Watching white dudes dance is downright disturbing. It’s the disgusting, terrifying imagery of all three Human Centipede films wrapped into one. It’s even more fucked up and disturbing than the movie A Serbian Film (side note: search ‘A Serbian Film’ on Wikipedia and the read whole plot if you want to have nightmares for 11 weeks).

The jumping and weird swaying is awkward. They hop around and inexplicably shadowbox. They’re completely off rhythm to the point where they seem like they’re deaf and they can’t even hear the basic beat of the song. They also grind up against random chicks, and that comes off as creepy and pathetic, making the girls vomit in their mouths and reach into their purses for the pepper spray. And it even manages to somehow be 90,000 times worse If they’re drunk or on any drugs (i.e. marijuana, ecstasy, even Advil or tic-tacs). And the most sickening part? They think they look amazing. They think they look like Fonzy-level, smooth-as-hell, bonafide badasses. Watching it will give you PTSD.

So white dudes, please hear me out on this plea for psychological mercy. Your dance moves are singlehandedly killing our planet and it’s almost too late to reverse the damage. Next week, I’ll follow this up with the equally important article, “Dear Wally Bryton, Please Stop Writing Shitty Articles.” But for now, white dudes, please stop dancing at concerts.

Thank you for attending this TED Talk.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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