======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
A fraternity is an imperfectly complete culmination of diverse viewpoints, strengths, weaknesses, wants, needs, and liquor choices. This series focuses on a small yet instrumental faction of a fraternity’s governance: The social chair and his perpetual quest to bring our deepest fantasies to life — if only for a night.
Each feature will spotlight a unique party theme and offer a step-by-step blueprint to throwing the ultimate soirée without pissing off the treasurer. As is the case with every respectable university, there are blue-blood fraternal organizations whose coffers are busting at the brim with dough; for the sake of universal inclusion, however, every guide will be created with an assumed budget of $300.
The pledge-driven Tahoe rumbled through the dry southern night, convoying a squad of battle-ready college men to the frontlines of Thirsty Thursday. The undergrads methodically prepped their gear in lieu of their quickly approaching drop zone –- flasks were fastened, koozies were donned, and eye black was smeared. The 5th year senior riding shotgun took a deep drag from the battered $5 cigar he dangled from his mouth as he slowly cranked the volume on Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries.” Turning back, he addressed his brothers.
“Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever got laid by passing out before eleven,” the veteran explained to the grunts by association in the back. “He got laid by making the other poor dumb bastards pass out before eleven. Now give me an OO-RAH and let’s give ‘em hell, boys.”
And with that, the fraternity brothers spilled out of the Tahoe in unison to the tune of their collective drunken battle cry, storming the gates of their house’s annual SEAL Team Six and Army Chicks banger.
A man in uniform carries a merited and absolutely unfair advantage towards the fairer sex. In order to pay homage to this universal truth, the (undeserving and unproven) college man should fashion his party fatigues in accordance with a soldier of wars past. Whether that consists of the loose-cannon lore of guinea-teed, headband-flowing heroes such as Rambo, the camouflaged ghillie suit hiding in the party’s dark corner, or the classic Yankee soldier as commissioned by the Continental Congress back in 1775, men are bound to look ready for action to any true American girls. A trip to your local army surplus store should provide enough cheap camouflaged attire to outfit your entire pledge class appropriately. For extra fun, you can require the more limp-dicked of pledges to remain unseen the entire party, with severe repercussions if discovered behind enemy lines. Along with donning fatigues, women have the additional option of providing their own creative takes on classic war figures; a more contemporary Rosie the Riveter will certainly ensure all flags are flown at full mast.
Pat Benatar famously claimed in 1983 that “love is a battlefield,” and the social chair responsible for a SEAL Team Six and Army Chicks party should take those Grammy award-winning words to heart. Send the pledges out to grab tree trunks and foliage and set them up in the house to serve as cover. Turn a brother’s SUV into a tank somehow; you’re smart, figure it out. If you have a cold dorm, turn it into barracks. And remember: you can never dig too many trenches.
Budget: $15 for shovels, $25 for SUV tank materials – $260
If we were to be true to the red-blooded American soldier’s choice of drink, then the only appropriate menu would consist solely of strong American whiskey and domestic macrobrews. However, in order to cater to a more delicate crowd, a fraternity’s social chair can concoct his own interpretation of the classic Army & Navy cocktail on a larger scale. To prepare for mass consumption, consider using 2 parts dry gin, 1 part lemonade, 1 part club soda, and mix in either real almond syrup or peeled lemons.
As is the case in all wars, the risk of enemy fire is a constant factor in everyday life. In order to replicate this omnipotent threat, arm the public with squirt guns full of your Freedom-themed liquor bucket. This move will concurrently increase the immersion into your party’s theme along with its collective BAC.
Budget: $100 for handles of dry gin, $40 for squirt guns, and $60 for mixers – $60
A country’s greatest military efforts are those that are unequivocally supported by its public, which in most cases occur when there is a singular common enemy to defeat. If your chapter is the type to push the envelope, feel free to request your pledges dress up and play the role of that singular common enemy by throwing red coats on them and having them wait in a row to inevitably be sprayed in the face by drunk sorority girls with squirt guns.
Budget: $60 for red coats – $0
A SEAL Team Six and Army Chicks party is a great theme that pays respect to the men and women who defend our right to host themed parties every day. So prepare to get full battle rattle, drink with honor, and with God’s grace stay safe..