Hookup apps like Tinder and Bumble are major fixtures in the daily lives of today’s college students; so much so that we here at TFM dedicate a whole series to the ridiculous messages people send and get sent on them.
I, for one, am a major user of these apps. I’ve even created a list of very serious procedures that must be followed. In short, each candidate gets three pictures, and after that, a verdict is promptly reached. This is your highlight reel, and my time is far too valuable to wait for photos four or five to see some results. I’m the type of guy who relies on his instincts. First impressions are supposed to be everything, right? If I spend too much time trying to figure out if I like you or not, I probably don’t. It’s just that simple.
The originator of the swipe game, Tinder, holds a special place in my heart, as it has been around for the duration of my college career. I’ve sent hundreds of drunken 3 a.m. Hail Mary messages hoping for a last second score, and have been subsequently unmatched even more times because of these attempts and attempts like them. But I don’t let that get me down.
Now, it has been announced that my old friend Tinder is embarking on a new frontier. No longer is it just an app, but now users can browse Tinder.com from any device.
Now, the web app is now more widely available, and Tinder is directing users of the app to head to Tinder.com and give it a try for themselves.
It works just like the mobile app with a desktop twist, with users being able to swipe left/right with their trackpads as well as use keyboard shortcuts to navigate the app’s interface.
It may not seem like a major breakthrough, but from the second I first heard about this news, I’ve known the perfect way to exploit it. You know when you’re in class and the kid in front of you is watching something super distracting on his laptop, making it impossible to pay attention to the lecture? I’m going to start being that guy.
Picture this: I get to class super early and steal some goober’s seat in the front row. I quietly open up my laptop and start swiping, making sure to change the distance in settings to just within a mile radius. Hopefully, I catch a few girls from my class on there. The girl who asks a million pointless questions to the professor? Left-swipe her ass right in front of her nosy face. The sexy blonde three rows back? Give her a super-like then turn around and wink. She has to respect that. But my antics aren’t just reserved for the ladies. Say the dickhead who sits behind me’s girl just broke his heart. Guess who’s taking a ride on the Katie Express now, Trent?
It’s all about power, power, power, motherfuckers. I’m here to wreak havoc. The people around me in class will be enamored, hanging on to every last swipe, just praying that they and their loved ones will be spared my wrath. I love Tinder, but you guys fucked up by giving me this power. Look out, world, because I’m swiping with a vengeance and I don’t care who sees..
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