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Diary Of A Clueless Girlfriend At A College Football Game

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7:00 a.m. — Morning y’all! It’s game day, but not just any game day. We’re playing our HUGEST rivals ever. I made my boyfriend, Michael, a cooler just for the special occasion. I painted a football field with the quote “Life’s not always the party you expected, but you may as well dance.” It’s pretty deep, but I think he’ll get it.

7:10 a.m. — Got my outfit for today all picked out and ready. Little black dress? Yup. Cowboy boots? You got it. Beaded necklace in my school colors from Etsy? YASS BITCH. I’m gonna get ready SUPER fast. My besties Amanda and Kevin will be here any minute.

9:00 a.m. — All ready. And just in time. Amanda and Kevin are here, so you know what that means. EARLY MORNING MOSAS! Grammed it.

9:15 a.m. — Ugh. Amanda invited her hoe-ass friend Samantha, who showed up in daisy dukes and a jersey she tied to show off her pierced belly button. What is this, high school? Barf. AND she dyed a streak of her hair our school colors. Trashy af, I know. When I hugged her, I could practically smell the 12 dicks she ate for breakfast. I’m literally disgusted and embarrassed just to be near her.

9:30 a.m. — I went to the bathroom with Amanda because MOSAS lol and she told me that Becky Anderson told her that Grace Brewer said she wished her little sister Bethany wouldn’t drink so much at functions. I HATE drama. It’s just not me. I don’t even want to get involved. But I told her that I heard from Cassandra Thompson who heard from Casey Smith who thinks she overheard Bethany say that GRACE is the one who gets too drunk at functions and that SHE wants a new BIG. Honestly I can’t even.

10 a.m. — We’ve had literally a zillion mosas and now we’re super turnt and ready for my boyfriend’s frat tailgate. Time to call the pledge. He’ll be here super fast for me. I’ve been dating Michael for so long that all the brothers know and love me. I’m basically literally one of the guys.

10:30 a.m. — Okay so it’s literally been hours and he’s STILL NOT FUCKING HERE. I called him and left like seven messages chewing him out. This is NOT how you treat a woman, especially a woman who’s dating a brother. I told him that he needs to be here ASAP. If not, I’m going to tell Michael to haze the shit out of him.

10:45 a.m. — Finally that asshole pledge shows up trying to apologize and saying how bad game day traffic is. I told him that I don’t even want to hear it. Then hoe-ass Samantha told me I was being irrational so I told her she’s being irrational if she thinks any man actually respects her. Then Amanda — my BEST FRIEND — defended Samantha and told me to calm down. Why does drama always happen to me? I literally do nothing and it still always find me. Can’t. Fucking. Even. Literally.

11:00 a.m. — We’re at the frat lots for tailgate. Kevin couldn’t get in because he’s not in a frat 🙁 I just want to find my boyfriend Michael and get some hot dogs.

11:15 a.m. — Michael’s so sweet, he told the grill pledge to give me a hot dog next because I’ve had such a rough morning. Love him to death.

Do calories even exist on game day? #Gameday #OMGSOFAT #hotdogs #TubesOfDeadAnimals

A photo posted by @caseybabiixoxo95 on

11:30 a.m. — Thirty minutes till kickdown. Time to go to the game! So excited! I don’t know too much about football but there’s lots of pretty colors and noises and it’s just so fun.

11:55 p.m. — YAY! It’s such a beautiful sight to see the players take the field as the fireworks go off. I had to take a picture.

Can't believe how close to the field we are! Great seats! #Gameday

A photo posted by @caseybabiixoxo95 on

12:15 p.m. — I have to pee. Luckily, I have my handsome gentleman boyfriend to escort me. Blessed.

12:45 p.m. — Omg some girl is crowd surfing. Ew. Looks like a great way to get a finger up your butthole.

1:00 p.m. — Pee break. Come along, Mikey!

1:15 p.m. — Ugh. I am so bored and hot and sweaty. Amanda and I have resorted to ranking the butts of the players on the sideline. 14 would get it. 58… not so much.

1:30 p.m. — I can’t really tell who’s winning, but the other team is definitely winning the jersey game. WAY cuter color scheme.

1:45 p.m. — Pee break. Lordy Lordy what have these mimosas done to me?

2:15 p.m. — It’s so scary when the players hit each other. I saw that new Will Smith movie about concussions and I literally cried the entire time.

2:30 p.m. — I’m so sweaty my friggin’ vagina is stuck to my panties.

2:45 p.m. — Omg. I told Michael I had to go to the bathroom and he was like, “Just go then,” and I was like “you’re just going to let me go by myself?” and he was like “I’ve already spent half the game waiting on you in the bathroom.” If he thinks he’s getting any tonight, then he has another thing coming.

3:00 p.m. — We lost in the fourth period by a fieldkick 🙁 Oh well, back to tailgate!

3:30 p.m. — I’m seriously crying right now, y’all :(( I saw Michael talking and laughing with that WHORE Samantha. I’m going to the tailgate next to his and grinding on the hottest guy I can find. That’ll show him. To quote the cooler I painted, this is NOT the party I expected, but dammit, I’m going to dance.

3:45 p.m. — So much f’ing drama, y’all. I can’t catch a break today. So, I’m dancing on this mega hunk in Beta and then Michael comes up and tells him to back off his girl. Then he tackles him and next thing I know, there’s an all out brawl between like 30 brothers from both fraternities. Let me be clear: violence is NEVER the answer. Why is there so much f’ing drama today? I didn’t ask for this. I don’t deserve this.

4:15 p.m. — This can’t be real. I feel like I’m trapped in some terrible drama-filled dream and I can’t wake up. Michael just broke up with me, so I emptied the water at the bottom of the cooler on his frat’s speakers until sparks flew out and the music stopped. I can’t believe he did this to me. After all we’ve been through. All I’ve put up with. There’s the time he threw up on me on the bus ride to formal. The time he peed in my bed. I still stayed faithful (except for that one time in Cancun). But no more. I’m leaving. I’m leaving and I’m never coming back.

4:30 p.m. — Just changed my relationship status to “single” and already have A TON of encouraging messages from friends. Truly blessed.

4:45 p.m. — I’m calling Kevin. I’m sick of douchey frat boys.

5:15 p.m. — I finally found Kevin in the lots where the parents tailgate. He comforted me and dried my eyes and let me vent to him. I am SO lucky to have a guy that special in my life. Still not sleeping with him, though.

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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