Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Dick Perry. Master of gambling. Picker of winners. Decider of dollars. I’ve been brought in by TFM to pick college football winners and make every single week my bitch. I’m not a goddamn mathematician or some sort of formulaic nerd. I make my picks with sheer instinct and bulbous balls. I stare down at the list of matchups, take off my pants and have faith that each pick will be sent down from heaven and straight into my brain by God Almighty. For those of you that don’t like money or paying attention, I nailed four picks last week. South Carolina vs. Georgia was a wash (pushed, no action), so I went undefeated. If you watched last week’s video and then sat there with your thumb up your ass saying, “Who is this Dick and why should I listen to what he has to say?” Now you have your answer. I’m a mother fucking money printer. Here is a video of me predicting the future:
I know what you’re thinking. “Did he murder Allen’s wife? Has he left the strip club since Saturday?” The answers are no, and yes. But only because the aforementioned establishments don’t understand that when you make it rain like I do, you’re allowed to cop a feel once in a while.
The third installment of my genius will be revealed on Wednesday. Try not to piss your money away on books or dorm food before the next episode of “Dick’s Picks.” Until then follow me on twitter @Dicks_Picks.
Later mother fuckers.