First, let’s get the heartbreak out of the way. There will be no Dick’s Picks Week 9 video. The TFM execs are probably wondering why the fuck I haven’t showed up to film, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m the best and I can’t be replaced. I’ve been at the Wynn since Tech took down Oklahoma and am having too good a time to leave. Fine me. The tit clubs in this desert are even more fucking phenomenal than last time I was here. You’ll see my chiseled face again next week, but until then all you knob-slobbers and shit-kickers that called me retarded when I picked Tech +28 can try and redeem yourselves by taking my week 9 picks seriously. With each school I picked I’ve included a coed so you losers who haven’t seen nip in months can drool a little.
Pick 1: Stanford -7.5 over USC
Stanford remains undefeated, AND undefeated against the spread. This is a fucking no brainer. Andrew Luck is a prodigy blah, blah, blah…Stanford will cover. They always do.
Pick 2: Arizona State -31 over Colorado
The hippies have officially turned Colorado’s program into one of the worst in the history of football. The strains of green those Boulder super-stoners have developed might make late night Adult Swim cartoons watchable, but they’ve also made their University’s football team fucking abysmal. Arizona State’s Brock Osweiler, the 6-foot-8 behemoth that got lost on the way to the freak show and ended up playing QB, will be having a fucking field day with the Buffaloes’ weak D.
Pick 3: Clemson -4 over Georgia Tech
Undefeated Clemson is on the road in Atlanta against Georgia Tech in a game where it’s imperative they earn their top 5 BCS ranking. They’ll come out big, hard and veiny to easily cover this spread.
Pick 4: Oklahoma State -14 over Baylor
Fuck it. I’m going with the 28-year-old quarterback over Baylor’s RGIII. If OK State fucks this up you go after Mike Gundy, not me, because he’s a man and he’s 40. After all, the Cowboys are supposed to be the best team in their state now that the Sooners have had their stupid fucking faces upset.
Dick Pick of the Week: Florida +3 against Georgia
At The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party I’m taking the jort sporting Gators to cover +3. I might fly straight from Vegas to Jacksonville and further delay the inevitable comedown that will probably stop my heart.
Good luck this weekend. Hit me up on twitter so I can make fun of you: @Dicks_Picks